“I’m super tired, I’m super anxious, I’m not a super woman or mom lately.
I rushed my kids to bed because I was exhausted and couldn’t stand another minute. I wanted to hide under my covers and forget.
Luca was being playful, and I guess I couldn’t deal with it and snapped and told him to go to bed. He looked at me sadly, ‘But I just want to tell you one more thing!’ I huffed and said, ‘No, go to bed! Mommy is on empty and needs rest and so do you.’
His face fell and he laid down.
I closed his door and went to bed but felt the chest-wrenching feeling that happens when I go to bed and feel like I didn’t give my all. I am burning the candle on all ends, I’m stretched out emotionally, but motherhood guilt doesn’t care, it swirls in your head and says, ‘Gosh, you’re an *sshole.’ I wiped tears from my eyes, tears for so many reasons, and went to go ask Luca what he wanted to tell me. I never want him to think he can’t talk to me.
As I got up, he was standing there, looking at me. I burst into tears.
He hugged me and said ‘It’s okay mommy, don’t cry. I know you’re tired because your brain is sick. The doctor will fix your brain and you will be okay. It’s okay to cry. It’s the way we get rid of our sore tummy.’ (Something I tell him often when I have, or he has, anxiety.)
I couldn’t speak because I was trying not to cry like a harpooned whale, lol, but I finally said, ‘I’m sorry Luca, you’re right. I am tired, but you’re important to me. What did you want to tell mommy?’
‘I just wanted to say I love you, and it doesn’t matter if you’re sad or your brain feels sick, I love you even more than the whole world and bigger and bigger!’
Just like that, a 5-year-old taught me even at my worst, I’m still worthy of love.
Don’t be afraid to be real about your mental illness, you don’t have to be the unbreakable super parent—they love you anyway. They’re more empathetic and understanding than we give them credit for.
I’m not a super mom, not at all, but my kids are somehow growing up to be my heroes, so I guess I must be doing all right.
Suddenly I don’t feel so exhausted anymore, and a hug from this guy is exactly what the brain doctor ordered.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Laura Mazza. Follow Laura on Instagram here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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