‘I don’t know why I feel this way, but maybe I am your birth mom.’ Could I handle another heartache?’: Adoptive mom says ‘watching another woman birth your child is a one in a million miracle’

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“After adopting our first daughter, Lemmon, I wanted to soak in every bit of her and our new family of three for as long as possible. It took us years to get her — and then more pain and tears through her adoption. I wanted to feel every second with her and never forget what it took to get her here.

Courtesy of Kashia Palmer
Courtesy of Kashia Palmer

I remember when she was only 4 months old, I had the strongest feeling we would be starting our second adoption a lot sooner then we thought. I couldn’t understand why; it wasn’t a part of our plan. But now I do.

When Lemmon turned a year and a half, we knew our next baby was eager to come to earth. We thought we could try all on our own — no medical help, no adoption agency, just us. With infertility, sometimes you forget it’s there. It’s usually not visually seen, and sometimes you have no explanation. You simply forget and think you’re okay and can do anything. We were reliving our first year of trying for a family all over again. But this time, I knew how to handle it with more hope and trust.

I was ready to call up our agency, get our home study done, and be put on the ‘waiting list.’ But my husband felt otherwise. He knew and felt we would find our baby through private adoption. This scared me! You basically advertise yourself to expectant parents, and you are extremely vulnerable. It took a lot of convincing for me, since I had zero faith expectant moms would ever look on social media to find their adoptive families. ‘Oh ye of little faith…’ Right?

Courtesy of Kashia Palmer

We made our video, speaking directly to our future birth family. We told them about each of us, why we were looking to adopt, and most of all, how much we love them and how they’re a part of our family. We put it out there and waited. We had a few expectant moms reach out to us… and some scammers. What I love most about those expectant moms, is they all decided to parent. They still follow me on social media, and I love checking in on them to see how they are doing. They are incredible!

I’ll never ever forget the day I heard about one particular expectant mom. I was sitting in my car, waiting to pick up my sister from the airport. I was just scrolling through my Instagram, when a message came in…

‘Hello! I don’t know you, but just started following you. I know you’re trying to adopt, and there’s a girl I follow that may be looking to place. Message her if you have more questions.’

I’d had some messages like this particular one come through, but they all ended in a dead end. This one felt different. It wasn’t this excited, butterflies, giddy feeling. It was a soft, calm, pull toward this expectant mom’s post:

‘…. I am looking into all of my options. If I keep my baby, or if I choose adoption, I know my baby will be loved.’

I went back and forth on reaching out to this expectant mom. She was probably flooded with responses; but again, that soft, calm, pull was there. So I sent her a quick message, telling her if she had any questions, we were here — even if she wasn’t planning on placing.

Courtesy of Kashia Palmer

Her response was something I’ll never forget. She said she had a few friends sending her our adoption video. As she watched it, she cried and felt this pull towards us. And then she said something that changed everything. ‘I don’t know why I feel this way, but who knows, maybe I am your birth mom.’

Birth moms become your sister, and birth dads become like a brother. Whether you have known them for a while, or were only able to get to know them for a moment. They become part of your family, and you instantly feel it. We were able to meet this expectant mom in person when she was 5 months pregnant. She was my sister. Someone I wanted to protect, someone I had an unconditional love for — no matter what brought her to this point. She was my sister.

The expectant mom went back and forth with placing her baby. But we still talked every day and were there as much as we could be for her at this time. During all of this, we got another phone call about a baby ready to be placed. But sadly, it ended in a failed adoption for us.

I couldn’t understand why. He was perfect. He was meant to be a part of our family for so many reasons. I’d say to myself, ‘How could it fail? What if this other expectant mom decided to parent? Could I handle another heartache?’ It involved trust. Lots and lots of trust. But for some reason, my husband had faith all would be well with this expectant mom. He knew her and her baby were meant to be a part of our family.

We spent the next few months talking every day. I was able to get to know her and her personality, and how amazing she is. Then, the time came to meet our expectant dad. I don’t think expectant dads get enough credit. His main concern: his baby would be loved and given the best life she deserved. He became my brother.

Courtesy of Kashia Palmer

When they told us they wanted us to adopt their baby, it wasn’t a day of celebration, hugs, and tears. It was a soft, calm, pull towards loving them both even more. We knew this baby was meant to be with our family and were so happy. But you can’t really celebrate your sister’s and brother’s loss and hurt.

We were Face-timing our expectant mom one night, when we heard her say, ‘Ummm… I think my water broke!’ What?! It was 10:00 p.m. Our little girl was asleep in the next room, and we were four hours from the delivery hospital. She quickly hung up. My husband was the calm, composed one. He started throwing our packed bags in the car, while I stood in the middle of our bedroom saying, ‘Wait, this isn’t happening. This is a false alarm.’ Nope! We woke our sleeping daughter, called my mom and my best friend (who happens to be a birth mom) to meet us there, and drove as fast as the speed limit would let us.

I’ll never forget walking through those hospital doors with my husband. It was honestly one of the scariest things I’ve done. I was walking into a sacred room, in front of a woman who was doing the most selfless thing a woman could ever do. Our expectant mom gave us the warmest smile and the biggest sigh of relief that we made it before the birth. We all sat in and out of sleep for the next few hours. I prayed and never once slept. Everyone’s life in that room would be changed, all in a different way.

Childbirth is an incredible miracle, but when you’re watching another woman birth your child, it is a one in a million type of miracle. My husband cut the cord, and they quickly took the baby to be checked. That’s when I had such a tough decision to make. Do I go with our soon-to-be daughter, or do I stay with our expectant mom? She reassured me, ‘You are supposed to be with your baby.’ These types of mothers are part of the one in a million type of miracle.

Courtesy of Kashia Palmer

Over the next few days, we all loved on this one, tiny baby. Sometimes going into our birth mom’s room was so hard, because the spirit was so strong. It was a spirit of comfort, pain, love, compassion, and sadness. We all knew the day was coming to all go our separate ways. I gave our birth mom one last hug. I told her I’d never be able to thank her for what she’d done, and I loved her more than words! The same went for our birth dad.

Courtesy of Kashia Palmer
Courtesy of Kashia Palmer

We both are eternally grateful for social media, as tough as it may be sometimes. It’s what brought us together. If we never started trying when we did and gave it time; if my husband never pushed to go private with our adoption; if we never posted our adoption video at that time; we would never have our incredible birth mom and baby girl.

Courtesy of Kashia Palmer
Courtesy of Kashia Palmer

We knew we wanted our little girl to have a piece of their story, so we used our birth mom’s middle name as our baby girl’s middle name. That way she will never forget where she came from. We have been able to see our birth parents since this day, and it’s like seeing a family member you never stopped loving.”

Courtesy of Kashia Palmer

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Kashia Palmer of Salt Lake City, UT. You can follow her journey on Instagram and YouTube. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. 

Read about the Palmer’s first adoption:

‘We said one last prayer as a family of 2, took a deep breath and opened the door. I was handed my daughter by the most incredible women I’ve ever met.’

Read more stories like this:

‘At 11, his adoptive parents abandoned him at a hospital, never to return. ‘Mr. Peter, can I call you my Dad?’ I began to cry uncontrollably.’: Single dad adopts 11-year-old boy from foster care after biological, adoptive family abandon him

‘I’ve never had real parents before. I’ve waited my entire life to be treated the way y’all treat me.’: Couple adopts 18-year-old who was ‘abandoned by his birth mother with no name’

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