“Growing up, I had heard stories about reincarnation where someone (usually a child, if I remember correctly) could recount a life completely unrelated to them. They gave details in a way no one else could ever have known unless they were in fact, that person. I, like so many others, just brushed it off.
Surely that cannot happen. That’s not possible.
Years and years went by, but about six months ago I found myself in the spiritual aisle of our local library. I’ve always believed in spirits. I believe my dad is right next to me but on another ‘wave-length’ I can’t physically see. I believe psychics can tap into that realm and relay messages. I’ve always been really fascinated with the whole topic of spirituality, so I was looking to read up more on it all.
As I stood in the aisle, a book caught my eye: ‘Many Lives, Many Masters‘ by Brian Weiss. I decided to add it to my pile. When I got home, it was the only book I was intrigued by. So, I opened it up and started reading. And reading. And reading. I finished that book in less than 24 hours…with six kids bouncing around me. It’s a fascinating true story of how a psychiatrist stumbled into the world of past lives with a patient of his.
I was hooked! I wanted to know more. I needed to know more about this whole reincarnation genre. Is it really true? How can one ever really prove it? Human beings love proof. I just wanted to dive deeper into it.
So, I went back to the library and sought out more books on the topic. I checked out another title by Brian Weiss called ‘Only Love Is Real.’ This one is about a couple who found each other through doing past life regression. They hadn’t met yet in this life, but their souls were desperately searching for one another. I also checked out a book by Wayne Dyer called ‘Memories of Heaven.’
‘Memories of Heaven’ is a compilation of probably 100 children from all over the world recounting past lives. Some of the stories are of children saying one innocent sentence about a past life and some of them give major details to what they remember. The book was fascinating and very thought-provoking. It mentioned how we can ask our own children if they remember Heaven. I tried it on my kids randomly over a few months and none of them really took to answering it.
After that book, I read ‘Old Souls’ by Tom Shroder. That one dives really deep into stories of children who have been able to recount past lives and the doctor who travels the world, really trying to understand it. It’s a really, really awesome book.
So anyway, leading up to this past-life reading, those books were what I had ‘researched’ on the topic. I was pretty hooked and wanted to learn about my own self. So, I made a Facebook post asking friends if they had ever had a reading done and I got some names of people that they recommended. I reached out to one.
Now before I get into this, I understand not many people believe in this. If you don’t believe in it, that’s completely okay. I just ask that you are respectful. If I’m crazy, I’m crazy! I’m totally okay with taking on that perception. My own husband side eyes me on all of this. But I tell him, ‘When we die and I’m right, it’ll all make sense. If we die and you’re right, then oh well!’
When I do sessions with mediums or even just people who do any type of spiritual work, I am all in. I go in with no expectations but also with no reservations. I’m not the person who goes into these meetings and constantly questions what the person is saying. I don’t knit pick everything, nor do I sit there internally rolling my eyes. I feel like the less you are to overthink this, the better your session goes. Not that I necessarily believe every word they say afterward, but at that moment, everything flows better if I do.
From the very beginning, the past lives that were popping up were me in religious cults or groups. I’ve experienced the things I’m going to talk about in multiple lifetimes. So basically, I had lived through these religious cults many times. With this session, these were the lifetimes we focused on. And trust me, I feel like my whole entire life finally made sense.
While in these groups, I was forced to have children. A lot of children. Having children is energetically easy for me. I never had to ‘try’ to get pregnant and I hate even admitting that when so many women struggle. I’ve never had crazy complications. My twins made it to 36 weeks. I birthed a baby in water. I mean, it’s been really great.
But, I spent my whole childhood and early adult years never wanting children. I’ve said that numerous times my entire life. I didn’t want kids! I wanted to move to Africa and work around children, but I never wanted my own. Was I somehow remembering those past lives when I would talk about that growing up?
Yet, the pattern of many children still followed me into this lifetime. Now if you know me in real life, you know I love my kids. I absolutely adore those little miniature people. They really are the best thing that has happened to me.
Having a lot of children is comforting to me. My subconscious knows how to have and raise many children. Having them around brings me peace. Motherhood comes easy because I’ve done it so many times even before this lifetime. But I don’t necessarily *enjoy* it all the time.
I wanted to do things for myself and have my own life other than being a mom. I wanted to travel the world and get degrees in various fields. I wanted to just enjoy my own life. I wanted to live freely and go about everything on my own time. I never wanted the burden of having kids.
I know that’s not politically correct to say. But it’s how I felt before I had kids. At least that’s how I felt deep down but would never admit. Motherhood has shaped me in so many ways and I’m so thankful for my babies. I wouldn’t change a second of it now that they are here.
It’s just that the whole being forced to have babies just really makes sense to me! It’s interesting I carried that into this life, but on a different level. I wasn’t forced to have kids this go around. But it’s like my soul wanted them all around because that’s what I know so well. My soul needed them even if my human self didn’t understand that.
Easton from the very beginning has been the sweetest boy. He just has this old-soul-feel, like a grandpa in a tiny body. He just wants to love on everyone and make everyone feel welcomed.
But there’s also a side to Easton that is so hard to explain unless you are around him 24/7. Part of it is the ADHD, but there’s a deeper layer that I can never find the right words to express.
Easton and I have a very sweet mother-son relationship. We could snuggle for hours. We could talk about six-year-old boy stuff for hours. He loves to help me clean and cook. He loves to build stuff at my feet. He is always wanting to be around me.
But we butt heads a lot. We never truly see eye to eye on many things. He’s very hard-headed. I’m very hardheaded. He’s stubborn as all get out and so am I. When I’m talking to him about a consequence he has for a decision he made, he constantly tries to talk over me. It’s almost as if he ‘knows’ better than I do.
In this session, it was explained to me that Easton has never been ‘lower’ than me in a past life. So, for me to be his mother, I’m the authority to him. For the first time. In the past, he’s always been MY authority. He’s always been in charge of me. So now, the roles have been switched and he doesn’t know how to handle that, subconsciously.
In these religious cults, Easton was a ‘higher-up.’ He was someone who was in charge of all these women and making sure everyone was being ‘good.’ He was also my own father in one of those past lives. So, in that life, he was in charge of making sure I followed a straight and narrow path. He was in charge of making sure I did the ‘correct, Godly things.’ Maybe my subconscious has a grudge towards that?
Basically, what ended up happening in this session was that I thanked him for the experiences we went through. I forgave him for everything, saying I know he did the best he could do with what he had. I also apologized for any wrongdoings I may have caused him before.
But it makes sense. My relationship with Easton finally makes sense. I feel like I can have so much more patience and understanding for the conversations we will have from here on out. What’s interesting too is that he was born into this world as my brother, then became my son. It’s almost like he wasn’t totally ready for me to be his authority from the get-go!
As a wife, I’ve never been a huge cuddler. I’ve never been someone who enjoys a big snuggle-sesh.
Whenever Tim is being playful and smacks my butt, I jump out of my skin like a cat. It always feels uncomfortable. I hate kissing. I hate hugging and being squeezed. Yet I can love on my children all day long. I just am not a super affectionate wife. I’ve always HATED that about myself.
But I was raped in these cults. And subconsciously, I am very uncomfortable with the idea of being intimate. So, I feel like knowing that is healing. This information finally makes that part of my reality easier to comprehend. I feel like now I can start to understand those scars and heal them.
It’s okay to be lovey and romantic! It’s okay to kiss. It’s okay to have Tim’s big arms around me. It’s okay to be affectionate with my husband. It’s okay. It’s safe with Tim.
While in these groups, I could never really be who I wanted to be. I could never say what I wanted to say. People were always judging me, keeping me compliant. I was never free to really express what I wanted to express. Because of this, I am a huge people-pleaser. I care so much about what others think of me. I hate getting mean comments. I really get freaked out when people don’t try to see my side of things.
It’s this odd part of me that I have always despised. I hate that I care so much about what others think. I hate that I take other people’s opinions and words as my whole truth.
Writing this article is one of those things that would have always freaked me out. ‘How dare I write about something so taboo? How dare I bring forth a different perspective than what everyone is used to? How could I ever handle the backlash of talking about this when I have zero proof this ever happened 300+ years ago?’
Writing an article like this a few months ago would have brought about a ton of anxiety. I would have fallen to my knees with a racing heart, trying to talk myself out of it.
But in these religious groups, I was never allowed to ‘be me.’ I was always forced into a specific way of thinking and living. I was never allowed to speak out against anything I was experiencing. If I ever chose to deviate from that, I would lose my family or be killed.
So subconsciously, that is where my anxiety would stem. I would subconsciously fear for my family’s lives or my own every time I tried to write about something ‘out of bounds’ per-say. But after this session, I feel like this is exactly what I’m supposed to be talking about. At least for right now.
It was explained to me that I have this story to tell. I already felt like that with our whole situation with Easton, which is why I even started this blog. But it goes deeper than just Easton. Easton was only the beginning. Bowie is the next chapter. A whole book is about to be born.
When we got pregnant with Bowie, we were wine tasting in Napa with our best friends. We had the best day. Our drive through San Fran to get there was so much fun. Our entire visit to the vineyards was magical. We couldn’t stop talking about how fortunate we all were to experience it together.
That night when we got home Tim and I decided to have a baby. With wine still flowing through our veins we just had this knowing that we had to have another one. It made zero sense. We were so happy with our other five. Why would we even suggest the idea? But that night we got pregnant.
My dad comes through in 6 and 16 for me. The night we conceived was Aug 6th. My positive pregnancy test came on August 16th. I always felt like he was personally responsible for sending me this baby.
But in this session, I learned that my relationship with my father goes back to these religious groups. He was always someone trying to look out for me. He was always trying to protect me. In different lifetimes he had different roles. Once he was my son who protected me from an abusive husband. Once he was a brother who also tried to protect me from an abusive father. But that resonates with me because I always feel like he was looking out for me in this life, too.
And he wanted to come back. I have been his mother before, and he wanted to learn from me again. He wanted to be close to me and bring me comfort. He wanted to be Easton’s brother because he could make a better brother than a father to him. He wanted to be my son because he can learn specific things only from me. He just wanted to come back.
When Bowie was born, I have never felt more peace in my life. He’s the first baby I’ve had where I seriously could not let go. I just felt so much happiness with him around. I felt like he was a soul I had been searching for. It’s so hard to explain. But the bond we immediately had was unlike any of my other children. And I love the crap out of my other children. But with Bowie, I seriously remember thinking, ‘Ahh, there you are. You’re here. YOU. You are finally here.’
Since the day Bowie was born, I haven’t missed my dad. I haven’t cried about him. It’s been this very strange thing I could never admit. How do I not miss one of the most important people in my life? But I didn’t. Not like I had before. I see pictures of my dad now and all I can do is wholeheartedly thank him for his role in my first 25 years. But I didn’t have this longing anymore to hug him or to have a conversation with him.
Is it because I can feel my dad’s soul in Bowie? Is it because I always knew they were connected? Is it because Bowie truly is my dad and that connection I have with Bowie is because I already know that soul so well? It’s not the first time someone has told me Bowie is my dad. But the explanation behind it validates it for me.
I’ve rejected religion almost my whole life. I have just always questioned it. I never really understood it. Never truly felt like it made sense. What’s interesting though is that I kept trying. I tried to get into it when Tim and I first were together. We tried a few churches while I was a mom to just Presley and Sawyer. I kept coming back to it.
I felt comfortable in a church, yet I never believed what it taught. It’s like my soul simultaneously wanted to be a part of it again yet could remember how corrupt it was to me before. It’s a feeling I could never explain…the desire to be around it, yet never accept the teachings.
But now it makes sense. The idea of church and the sense of community it gives brings immense warmth. But the second the preacher starts to talk, the anxiety and doubt instantly creep in. I can’t believe any of it. It makes sense to me.
I’ve never belittled anyone for their beliefs or way of living. I’ve never even judged them. I just knew from a young age that being religious and going to church every Sunday was not for me. (Yet, I still tried!) I remember having moments thinking something was wrong with me. But now I know that this is my specific journey, and everyone has their own paths to walk. This just happens to be mine this go-around!
Learning about spirituality is totally my cup of tea. I know it’s not for everyone. But man, it’s interesting and fun! I already feel so much lighter for having done the session, writing it all out, and posting it for others to expand their understanding! It’s a cool topic to dive down the rabbit hole with, that’s for sure!”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Molly Schultz of Tried and True Mama. You can follow her on Instagram. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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