“I’ve been doing a lot of manly stuff lately. Like, I fixed and cleaned up what I’m positive was a sewage leak, then I fixed both toilets because they simultaneously decided to overflow and flood my house which also flooded my basement. I used a snake, got it stuck, let it go and it flung stuff all over me.
I’ve painted stuff, I’ve been to Lowes three times, even checked out a nice set of boobs. The only step left in my transformation would have been jogging pants and holding on to my balls like they were going to run off.
I was over here playing Beyoncé songs screaming I was independent and didn’t need no man, looking online for a 1973 Ford Bronco to redo all by myself and it was amazing, but that all came to a screeching halt this morning. I was sitting in the living room in the recliner watching ‘Tombstone’ when I saw a man walk onto my porch, then he bent down like he was hiding.
So, I was like, ‘Hell no, you aren’t about to steal my Halloween decorations.’ Because honestly that’s exactly what I thought he was after, was my kids homemade Halloween sh*t.
Anyway, so I jump out of the recliner, run to get the gun, can’t reach the gun, I don’t have time to get a chair because I have to protect my twins, so I grab a baseball bat and the dog, open the door, jump out and literally yell ‘Freeze!’
Not my best moment, I mean of all the lines I could have used, this was my big moment and I used ‘freeze.’ I scream, ‘Put your hands where I can see them and step away from the porch.’ Because real criminals listen to crazy ladies with baseball bats.
The man stands up, and he’s holding a pair of underwear, and I’m like, ‘You dirty old nasty bastard, you’re on my porch smelling underwear.’ I’m out here swinging this baseball bat at this man like I’m not about to catch an assault charge, and he’s screaming, ‘Wait! Wait!’
I’m like ‘Get out of here!’ My dog is all barking and making it look cool but really, he just wants him to pet him.
The man yells, ‘Look! These are yours; they belong in that box. The box was damaged when I laid it on the porch, they fell out – I was picking them up. I’m your mailman for God’s sake!’
Y’all… he was right, he’s my mailman. I see him almost every single day. He brings all my Amazon packages and lays them nicely on my porch.
The underwear was in fact mine; I ordered a fancy pair that’s supposed to give you a butt when you wear them, and now I’m face to face with a man I just assaulted and he’s holding my new butt in his hands.
I take the underwear out of his hands and the only words I can say are ‘sorry, ‘and he took off running to his car.
I am clearly still an irrational woman who blows every situation out of the water, who caused this entire mess because she needed a new butt and thought she’d find it courtesy of Amazon Prime.
Women are crazy, I am crazy.”
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