“One of the darkest and most debilitating parts of suffering through anxiety and depression is feeling so enraged, broken, helpless, and terrified all at the same time and having absolutely no idea why.
On those days, when you ask me, ‘What’s wrong?’ and I respond with, ‘I don’t know,’ it’s because I genuinely don’t know.
I have no clue what’s causing me to be at the brink of bursting into tears and screaming at the top of my lungs every single minute of the day, but never being able to reach that moment of release.
And it’s exhausting.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m standing in front of a mirror, staring at my own reflection.
Inside, I’m kicking and thrashing,
spewing scathing words of self-loathing,
arms flailing,
shouting out my deepest, darkest fears,
the ones that threaten to tear me apart,
the ones I so desperately want to get out,
while my body stands motionless,
staring back,
numb,
blank and bare.
It’s not like this all the time.
Most days, I’m able to look in that mirror, pull my fist back, and shatter the glass.
Break through the barrier,
and let the poison come pouring out.
Most days, I’m strong enough to win.
And some days, I can’t.
Some days all I can manage to do is go through the motions like a marionette manipulated by my own demons.
Helpless to their pull.
Putting on a show with a painted on smile.
So, on those bad days, when you ask me, ‘What’s wrong?’ and I reply, ‘I don’t know,’ just let me be for a while.
Let that be okay for now.
Don’t give up on me.
I know you’re there.
Give me some time,
and I’ll come back to you.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Mari Ebert. You can follow her journey on Instagram, Facebook, and her website. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
Read more from Mari here:
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