‘Your boss is basically a jerk. ‘You could be working overnight without double-time or a toilet break.’: Mom hilariously compares raising a newborn to having a full-time job

More Stories like:

“Having a new baby is like getting a new job. You start off with the three-month probation period. These three months are the most difficult three months in your career. Your boss is basically a jerk. He is always angry and upset, he occasionally gets so engrossed in his work and s–ts himself and cries a lot. He told you when you started the hours were flexible and ‘family-friendly,’ but what he meant was you could be working overnight without double-time or a toilet break.

Courtesy of Laura Mazza

You had to do an extensive medical to even get the job; the medical was so extensive it left you out of breath with pains shooting up your lady garden. At the end you either get gutted or ripped a new one (they choose for you) and then you have to take as many pain killers as you can until you get thrush. It’s very brutal.

So, you’re trying to recover from all of this, but you also have to keep feeding your boss because he forgets to eat, he’s actually very incapable and highly emotional (pressures of the job). Every time you feed him you have to grate a bit of your nipple off. I know what you’re thinking, but apparently it’s legal… it’s some delicacy where he’s from and it’s part of your job description. Sometimes it gets too much, constantly feeding him and grating, so you just top him up with a pre-made lunch that’s been grated by Daisy (the cow from accounts), but then you have Karen from HR with her b–ch-a– know-it-all attitude telling you, ‘Fed isn’t best and if you really cared about the company you would be grating that nipple day and night and loving it!’ Otherwise you should be fired. F–king Karen. She’s always trying to get you to buy her essential oils.

Your friends stop asking you to do anything because you’re always working. You’re so desperate to just have a coffee with them, even a lunch break! But you can’t, you’re so busy. You stop showering and start living at the office, you start to only wear baggy clothes to work and big granny undies (it’s actually part of the uniform).

And finally, finally, finally… you reach the end of the three-month probation and things start to get better. Sure, you’re still working into the night, but your boss tells you you’re doing a good job, not verbally, he barely talks, but with a smile… he’s always staring at you like he’s got some sort of crush and you know it must be because you’re doing a good job. You actually start to enjoy working, and you feel more recovered from that horrible medical.

The day also finally comes when you build up enough courage to ask him if you have the job and can get your pay for the last three months, where he grunts and spits up his milk in your hair and tells you your job is actually at a volunteer basis,  you won’t be getting any lunch breaks, no holidays, no sick pay, no long service leave; you and him are in it for the long haul together…

And for some screwed up reason, you’re really cool with that.”

Courtesy of Laura Mazza

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Laura Mazza, where it originally appeared. Follow Laura on Instagram hereDo you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

Read more from Laura:

‘A nurse latched a painful, angry piranha to my nipples. ‘How many feeds has he had?’ She didn’t notice I had been crying. She said she’d help me. She never came back.’: Mother urges ‘we are not just a vessel’ for a baby, implores others to check new mom’s mental health

‘Laura can do it, she’s home every day.’ I was told how hard my husband must have it. They didn’t tell me about the frustrations, the anger.’: Mom tells other stay-at-home moms ‘you are not alone’

‘He looked at me sadly. ‘But I just want to tell you one more thing!’ I huffed and said, ‘No, go to bed!’: Mom advocates for mental health

Give other moms strength and courage and a good laugh. SHARE this story on Facebook or Twitter.

For our best love stories, subscribe to our free email newsletter: