‘Did you know I was there? I greeted you in a comforting voice. ‘We’ve done all we can do,’ the doctor said. I didn’t want you to go.’: Nurse pens emotional ‘thank you’ to dying patient as she struggled to ‘hold back tears’

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“Did you know I was there?

I was just another voice getting report and gathering all information so I would know more about you.

Did you hear the marker on the white board spell out my name?

I greeted you in a comforting voice.

I hope it wasn’t too loud or maybe it was too quiet and you didn’t understand what I said.

Did you know I was there?

I came in after gathering all the supplies I would need to get you cleaned up.

Could you tell I wasn’t in a hurry?

I tried to take my time.

I didn’t need to verbally hear you say you were in pain, your moans were enough and I understood clearly.

I ran out to get a warm blanket from the heater.

I hoped that it would warm you up.

You were shivering.

Did you know I was there?

The doctor would soon say ‘we have done all that we can do.’

If only you could have heard my thoughts.

I’ve only known you since this morning, but I didn’t want you to go.

Your family knew this was coming.

It still didn’t make it easier on them. Sobs and tears filled your room, but the machines could be heard in the back ground reminding us all that they were keeping the little life that was in you going.

Did you hear me ask your loved ones if they needed anything?

I just wanted to help in any way that I could.

Did you know I was there?

They said it was time. . .

Were you looking down as I stood in your doorway silently asking God to guide me?

I was scared, could you tell?

My hands were trembling, as I spoke to you about all the things I had to do to get you ready to be picked up.

I talked about my kids, I figured you would understand because you were a parent. I even told you about how my daughter calls her room the hobbit hole. I giggled but honestly I just wanted to cry.

Did you see how I kept looking up at the ceiling to hold back tears?

The lump in my throat was the worst part. It felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Did you know I was there?

Your body began to stiffen and your skin was just room temperature.

I kept telling you how sorry I was, I knew that if you were still alive and as I was pulling on the tape it would be pulling on the fine hairs on your arm.

I told you how good you did.

I rolled you to your side and you let the last of the air out from your lungs.

I told you I would only be a couple minutes.

You smelled like wipes and baby soap.

I hope the smell brought back memories of when your children were young.

As I combed your hair my thoughts were on your family. How much they loved you and all the things they would think you’d miss out on.

Did you hear me whisper to you two hours prior to your passing that ‘YOU are truly loved’?

I don’t understand how I could have met you on this specific morning and felt this kind of love for someone I barely even knew. I can’t explain it.

Did you know I was there?

I just want you to know that I did my best.

I was scared again and this wasn’t the first time.

I wanted more than ever for you to feel comfortable and safe all the way to the moment I covered you with a sheet and turned and closed the door behind me as quietly as possible as if to say… I’m letting you rest.

I only wish I knew that you knew I was there. I wish I could thank you!

The machines sit quietly, clean sheets on the bed, and no sign that anyone was there. I stand quietly outside the room remembering what took place and not knowing who I will be spending the day with tomorrow. Tears push their way to the surface and as fast as they come I wipe them away. I look as if I’m holding it together but I know once I get in my car and close the door I will fall apart.

Please know that I am a strong person and my level of compassion excels any inch of unkindness.

I’m only human, I feel fearful and get scared and yes, I cry. I only hope to have others be able to relate to the feelings I have about situations we are going through in the moment. It’s not always easy but I still believe ‘we should treat others the way we would want to be treated.’”

Courtesy of Sandra Kluskowski

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Sandra Kluskowski, a nurse in South Bend, Indiana. It originally appeared here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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