Verbal Abuse Starts
“After feeling swept off my feet by someone I thought was one of the sweetest and kindest guys I had met… I was in for a rude awakening. Prior to this event, he had already been accusing me of cheating on him with no reason to give. One day when we were leaving a coffee shop that I went to regularly, we were walking out and a guy that worked there (who knew I was a regular) said, ‘Hey Dani, I didn’t know you knew that trouble maker,’ (they had gone to high school together). I responded with, ‘Yeah we know each other through mutual friends.’ Then we said our goodbyes and left. When we got in the car, it was like a switch had been flipped. He had changed completely, was so pissed off, and I was utterly confused. He finally chose to explain why he was upset while simultaneously driving recklessly. He said he was upset because I had not stated that he was ‘my boyfriend.’
After this, I went home and was so mad that he was so upset over something so minute. I decided to drive to his house to speak to him. We sat in the car talking for about 20 minutes, and I was getting so frustrated with the situation that I went on a walk to get some air. When I left, I called my best friend for some support and the whole time I was gone, which was a whopping 20 minutes, he had been texting me accusing me of getting picked up by some guy. He continued to call me a skank, whore, slut, crazy b*tch… pretty much everything you can think of. I was beside myself. I had never been talked to by anyone like that ever in my life.
We worked through that and I put it in the past, after making it very clear that I was not okay with him talking to me like that. He apologized.
‘I’ll never overreact like that again,’ he said.
After that incident, things just were not the same. He would keep me up late at night nonstop arguing over whatever he could find to somehow try to accuse me of, he shattered my phone screen, punched a hole in my wall, stole things from my house, and more. He was very good at making me feel like things were my fault all the time, turning the situation around to make me look like the bad guy.
This was the first time I ever felt as low as I had when I was in this relationship. This man had a lot of childhood trauma and trust issues and was far from aware of it. There were a few other times that we had gotten into it and he completely flipped out and his way out of it every time was to either plan a special date or to buy me something like jewelry, and of course to apologize and say he would never do it again. I could only take so much of this. I had to take complete control of this situation or I knew it could turn really bad.
The last month that we had officially been together was the worst. All we did was argue, all he did was accuse me of things, and became extremely verbally abusive. We had agreed to create some space between us for a little bit hoping things would get better. He spent time with my best friend. I was hoping she would talk some sense into him, knowing that she had gone through a similar situation. While feeling completely drained inside, I also had a part of me that loved him, and saw all the good the good times we had together, the laughs, the road trips, the fun, the hurt I knew he was feeling deep down. This internal conflict I was having was beyond shattering and all over the place. I felt the most disconnected from myself than I ever had before. I started feeling insecure about myself, and questioning every little thing I did.
He invited me to a graduation party with him and while we were there he kept on accusing me of looking at other guys. After that, I was really close to reaching my breaking point. We had not seen each other for a week and he had asked if we could hangout. I told him I would meet him for a bite to eat. After we were done eating, he insisted that we hung out and I said no. He proceeded to beg me and then started getting mad at me because I was not caving into hanging out with him. I went home and he started texting me, ‘I’m coming over anyways,’ and more. My dad answered the door when he got there and continued to argue with him and get in his face – and that was it. I was not okay with that at all, and so hurt that he would even stoop to that level. Not only did I have to get between them, but as I was making him leave, he continued to insult my father. I was beside myself, and so fed up.
A few days passed and a couple close friends and I were leaving for a California trip for the weekend. I thought it was the perfect time to get away and really think about what I wanted to do next regarding the relationship. The first night there, one of my friends and I sat on the steps to our hotel close to 2 a.m. as I poured my heart out to her about the confusion, the hurt, the anger I felt boiling up inside of me. I did not understand how I could have love for this person and want to continue to try working things out when I could blatantly see what was going on. He was narcissistic, manipulative, and verbally abusive. She convinced me to end it for good.
‘He will not change, at least not right now,’ she told me.
As I sat there writing a breakup message, my heart dropped, scared to see what his reaction would be.
We went to bed shortly after this.
When we woke up around 11 a.m. the next day, I was not surprised to see my phone blown up with missed calls, voicemails, and text messages. He was absolutely livid. This wasn’t new either, he was notorious for leaving me ugly voicemails. He had driven to California to talk to me, and was confused as to why I would not tell him where I was. When he was finally fed up with me not answering his calls or telling him where I was, he messaged me stating, ‘Fine, since you won’t tell me where you are or answer my calls, I’ll just tell you what I have been wanting to tell you. When we were giving each other some space, I was spending time with ***** (my best friend). We ended up having sex.’
At first I thought he was joking and just trying to get me mad, which he liked to do as well. We were in the car headed to the beach at this time and I handed the phone to the best friend in the car whom he was referring to. She smirked and shrugged her shoulders, sort of saying, ‘Yeah I did it, I f*cked up.’ This was the last situation I ever pictured myself in. I had a mini panic attack and had to get out of the car. After that release I went into shock mode and completely shut off. I tried not to let it get to me the rest of the trip even though I was still receiving messages from him, and at this point he started threatening suicide. This was not the end of it.
When we returned home, my friend and I had talked about the situation and went our separate ways. My best friend of 6 years – and our friendship was over. I wish I could say the same about my ex. We were done, but not in his eyes. He became obsessive and started doing everything he could to hurt me. He started stalking me by waiting across the street from my work waiting for me to get off work, he would park down the street from my house, he followed me and would send flowers to my work for me. He would leave me horrible voicemails wishing awful things on me and held personal things I had once felt comfortable telling him against me. I blocked his number and he downloaded an app that would give him multiple fake numbers to get ahold of me. He started making fake Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram accounts to get ahold of me. Meanwhile, I felt like I was going crazy and developing anxiety and feeling like I had to watch every move I made. I started losing other close friends I had because of the situation. I felt so broken and had no idea what to do. He was threatening me and my family. He was threatening suicide if I didn’t do certain things. I was terrified and felt so stuck.
Finally, I had the courage to change my number which took a lot for me to do. I did not want to have to change my life around because of another human. When he realized I changed my number, he started emailing me. Every time I heard an email alert I freaked out. I started my next semester of college and was leaving my last class and he was waiting outside my door. I did not tell him my schedule and had no idea how he knew what classes I had or where I was. He followed me around campus for at least 20 minutes and I was crying the whole time. I felt invisible because no one stopped to do or say anything to help, not that it was anyone else’s job. I finally ran into someone I knew and quickly realized they really couldn’t do anything to help and I did not want to drag someone else into the situation. I went to my car and left and he followed me around for 20 minutes or more… I felt sick to my stomach. I finally had lost him and when I saw my mom next, I asked for help. I was finally ready to do what I knew needed to be done, which was get a protective order. I was so scared. Scared of what he would do or say. They granted me the protective order and served him. I did not hear from him or see him thankfully. That was one of the hardest things I had to do.
This whole situation started in February 2017 until August 2017 when I got the protective order. In June, I started yoga which was one of the only things that kept me going besides the support of my friends and family. After it was all said and done, I was left feeling empty, lost, and broken, but I knew I was worth SO much more. I knew I was given that relationship for a reason. I had lost who I was and knew I was on the path to reclaim my identity. I fell in love with yoga and a year after I got the protective order I started an advanced yoga program. I am currently 3 quarters of the way done and a certified yoga teacher, life coach, hatha gong master, yoga nidra facilitator, and more. I am in love with my life and most importantly, myself. It’s still a journey every day, but a beautiful journey. I am inspired to help women who have been in abusive relationships or are still stuck in them and support them to reclaim their identify and cultivate a foundation of self-love.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Dani Losee. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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