‘I couldn’t catch my breath. I tried to call my husband, but I was shaking so much I couldn’t even hit the call button on my phone.’

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“Three days into the New Year I had a panic attack.

Three days.

I couldn’t catch my breath and my hands were so clammy. I tried to call my husband, but I was shaking so much I couldn’t even hit the call button on my phone. I knew I was having a panic attack, yet couldn’t even help myself. The triplets were losing it (well 2 out of 3). Charlize was crying because some water spilled on the ankle part of her leggings. Jax was having one of the worst tantrums I’ve ever seen because my husband Ry left for the day to see his Dad. And Sawyer was singing ‘The First Noel’ at the top of his lungs.

I kept it cool for only so long with Jax before my patience was simply gone. I hate tantrums and they are such a trigger for my anxiety. We live with my parents, and I knew my Dad could probably hear all the chaos and it would be a matter of time before he came to help. And he did finally, which to be honest only made me feel more anxious. I was embarrassed and humbled all at the same time. I felt like a failure. My Dad sat in the backyard with Jax, so I could get it together.

I needed a minute, a minute to breathe and stop. Things escalated so fast, I couldn’t even use the tools I’ve learned to help me through my most anxious moments. And it is in my most anxious moments when I lose every touch with reality and struggle to see myself as a good mom. And that is exactly what happened to me on January 3.

Three children sit in shopping cart at grocery store

How was I supposed to get through the rest of the day?

Truthfully, I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t crawl into my bed or hide in the closet until Ry got home. I couldn’t skip being a Mom for the day and go do something for myself like get my nails done or take nap. Instead, I took a Xanax, washed my face in the bathroom, took lots of deep breaths, had a quick moment with Jesus, and got the kids ready to go for the day. I knew I had to change my thinking from ‘I can’t do this’ to ‘I CAN do this.’

And I did.

The day came and went. I was emotionally spent, but I got through the day.

Hard days come Mamas, but we have to keep going. We have to choose I CAN. Ultimately, whether we are simply having a hard mom day, or whether we are battling postpartum depression or some kind of mental health issues, the truth is, as moms, our choice is to stand up and keep going ,because we can do this!”

Mother takes selfie in car with three kids in back seat in car seats

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Desiree Fortin of California. You can follow her journey as a mom of triplets on Instagram.

Read more candid stories from this mama here:

‘I remember our first marital therapy session vividly. I sat separated from Ryan and the tension between us felt so strong. We were two hurting people only hurting each other.’

‘We have been living with my parents for 3.5 years. Never in a million years would I have imagined we would move in with my parents, 2 months before the triplets were born.’

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