‘TEN years together? And NO BABY?! What are you waiting for?’ We spent our anniversary in a hotel bed, bawling our eyes out.’: Woman battling infertility urges ‘ask how we’re doing, not where the baby is’

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“’Are you pregnant yet?’ 

‘When are you having babies?’ 

‘Have a baby already!’ 

‘What are you waiting for?!’ 

Alright, y’all. P. S. A. 

It is 20 freakin’ 20. 

Stop. Asking. These. Questions. Or anything similar to them.

Did you ever think maybe the woman or couple you just baby questioned is mourning their first, second, or THIRD miscarriage of the year? Maybe they’ve been trying for years on years to have a baby, but all there is to show is a pile of negative pregnancy tests. Maybe their IVF just failed. Maybe she has PCOS or endometriosis, or any of the other long list of fertility issues. Maybe she’s not ready. Or he’s not ready. Or MAYBE…they just don’t want to have kids. Whatever their reason may be, it is THEIR REASON. 

My husband and I had a big date night planned for our 10-year dating anniversary. We were on vacation and had reservations for a nice dinner just the two of us. It was supposed to be such a happy day. Instead, the night was spent in our hotel bed, bawling my eyes out, eating Taco Bell. Because on that supposed-to-be happy day we were pounded with baby questions: ‘TEN years together? And NO BABY?! What are you waiting for? Have a baby already!’  

On holidays, my husband and I make a game out of it. How many people will ask us baby questions? I make a tally for each question in my notes on my phone…If only they knew. If only they knew what we have been through, and what so many other couples go through every single day. If only they knew how triggering their words were. 

These ‘baby questions’ come more from friends and family than they do strangers. Friends and family who would know more about our struggle if they just asked how we were doing instead of asking where the baby is. Some friends and family DO know our struggle because we’ve TOLD them, and they STILL ask.  

If you have been one of these people to me or to ANY woman, no need to apologize…just BE BETTER. Educate yourselves. Learn how common infertility is and how many women are struggling today and every day. Think about what you say before you say it. Ask questions like, ‘How is life?’ ‘How is your career?’ ‘How are YOU?’ There are so many other ways to start a conversation. This then gives the woman or couple a chance to talk about their struggle if they WANT to. 

I’ve had this in my drafts for a year or so. Afraid of posting, afraid of what people would think, afraid of people feeling sorry, afraid of people saying to just get over it…but I’m so tired of feeling alone in this journey called infertility. Because I am not alone. SO many women are battling infertility in complete silence. We don’t want sympathy. We want awareness. Watch what you say. You just don’t know what people are going through. 1 in 4 women are on this journey with me. 1 in 4. I post this for them. Because I will stick up for myself and for them, always. If I can educate even just one person with this post, maybe even one woman or couple will avoid the dreaded baby question at their next holiday get together.” 

Courtesy of Sara Parr

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Sara Parr. You can follow her journey on Instagram and FacebookSubmit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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