‘You’ll sit with your midwife and calmly place your order. ‘A 2-hour water birth, please,’ you’ll say, smiling toward her. The big day arrives, they’ve messed your order up, bad.’: Mom laughs at the reality of motherhood

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“Nobody tells you the truth about motherhood,

And I can’t work out if that’s a bad thing or good.

On one hand, who’d do it if they weren’t fed the lies?

On the other hand, you go in blind and your kid’s like, surprise!

And nothing can quite prepare you, for the level of f*ck,

You’ll feel when you realize how much you’ve f*cked up.

And you realize you can’t shove them back in your womb,

And there are no refunds allowed, so you gotta face up to your doom.

It starts from conception, the lies you were told,

All this glowing as they’re growing, it’s f*cking comedy gold.

You’ll ache top to toe and you’ll be Michelin man puffy,

You’ll be less yummy mummy and more chubby scruffy.

You’ll sit with your midwife and calmly place your order,

‘A 2-hour water birth please,’ you’ll say smiling toward her.

The big day arrives, they’ve messed your order up bad,

The hypnobirth goes to sh*t, and you’ll near kill baby’s dad.

You’ll howl like a banshee, and grunt like a hog,

Probably sh*t yourself twice, leave your baby dad agog.

I’ll leave out the bit about the stitches and blood,

But just have a read up and prepare yourself good.

Your baby won’t be the only one needing nappies (say, what?)

But your dignity’s long gone by this point, so worry not.

You’ll waltz through that ward, your boobs leaking gold,

Your nappy up at your nipples, to strengthen its hold.

You’ll go home, settle in, and if you give them the boob,

Please, Jesus Mary, that nipple you must lube.

Else they’ll crack and they’ll break, sweet mother the pain,

And your sweet baby just chomps harder, again and again.

And you’ll think when you’re home, you’re over the worst of it,

But just wait till the first time, you go take a sh*t.

It feels like you’re birthing a baby hippo from your arse,

And you’ll be praying for hours, to just let that f*cking hippo pass.

Everyone will visit and cuddle your sweet child,

You should have new mummy glow, but you’re fucking traumatized, looking wild.

Everyone will say, ‘when baby sleeps, you should too,’

But the reality is, there’s just too much to do.

So you may as well say goodbye to sleep at this rate,

And face the rest of your life in a zombie-like state.

Remember all the times you would judge those bad mothers?

Because their kids ran around just screaming at others?

Well, your comeuppance has arrived, honey, sit back, enjoy the show,

You’ll regret ever judging now you know what you know.

Your own child will teach you that you can’t train them at all,

They will pee on your sofa and smear poo on the wall.

Don’t even bother buying clothes, they won’t wear them for long,

Toddlers run the house naked, don’t ever dress them, that’s wrong.

They will morph into devils and play on your fears,

Yet when your friends pop over, their halo appears.

Don’t ever underestimate a child’s manipulation technique,

They know sweetness gets treats, and they’ll use that on the weak.

Then when everyone’s gone, and they’ve got you alone,

They’re straight back to feral, like a dog with a bone.

Yes, the book tells you the best foods to wean,

But it says nothing about the fact the bowl has to be green.

Then when you find the green bowl and you think they won’t bellow,

They’ll lose their f*cking minds because the spoon isn’t yellow.

There’s no parent book out there, that can truly prepare,

For the raising of children, and how for them you must care.

No one really tells you how hard it is from the start,

But their saving grace is what they do to your heart.

Because even when they’re pushing your buttons day and night,

And you feel like you’re failing and not doing it right,

The love that you feel that explodes from inside,

When they’re running towards you with their arms open wide,

Is like nothing you’ve known, or even felt close to,

These crazy little people will completely bloody own you.

And despite all the poo, the hippos and stitches,

With the love of a child, there’s no bigger riches.

They bring you such stress, and they love to annoy,

But they also bring love, so many laughs, and pure joy.

If you’re thinking of starting that family one day,

Just make sure you’re open-minded, you might survive it that way.

Don’t go in thinking that if you read up, then you’ll ace it,

Kids aren’t like dogs, you can’t train them, just face it.

Mother to mother, if I had to say one thing,

It would be ‘buckle-up tight and stock up on the gin.'”

Courtesy of Jessie Collins

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Jessie Collins of The Student Nurse Mummy. You can follow their journey on Instagram. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

Read more stories by Jessie here:

‘When your son and I decided to go our separate ways you said, in the heat of it all, I wouldn’t let you see your grandkids.’: After separation woman pledges to mother-in-law ‘my door will always be open for you’

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