“Every day is hard. They say it gets easier with time. So far, it hasn’t gotten easier. In fact, it may have gotten harder. I can’t explain why, I just know that each day that passes, I seem to miss her more and more.
Most days I find myself sitting on our closet floor, just like I am right now, where I can hide from the kids for 15 to 30 minutes, and just cry.
It’s not that I don’t want them to see me cry. Not a day has gone by that we don’t cry together.
But these cries are different cries. They aren’t just the ‘I miss her’ cries. Those happen all the time.
These are the ‘I’m scared to death of life without her’ cries. They are the ‘how am I supposed to do this on my own’ cries. They are the ‘this wasn’t supposed to happen to you and I wish it would have been me’ cries. They are the ‘I can’t even look at a photo or hear a song without thinking of you’ cries. They are the ‘I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder, I’m sorry I didn’t do more, and I’m sorry that it felt like at times we gave up’ cries.
These cries are different cries.
So many things happened during those 39 nights that we spent in the hospital that brings me to these cries. So many things happened in the last 2 years since our original diagnoses that brings me to these cries. So many things happened in the last 10 years of our marriage that brings me to these cries.
I wish I could hold her one more time. I wish I could ask her for more advice on how to do this without her. I wish I could have one more conversation with her. I wish I could watch one more show with her. Hear her voice one more time. Hug her. Have one more meal with her. Watch her be ‘mom’ once more.
I’d give anything in the world to just be quarantined with her.
All this to say, don’t take this time for granted. There probably won’t be another season in our lives where we will have so much time to be with the ones we love. We don’t know how this will end. We don’t know when this will end. But we do know that eventually, it will end. And I hope you know we all have a choice in how we deal with it.
I’m sitting here on our closet floor, begging you not to allow this time to cause you to love less. Or cause you to point fingers. Or cause you to allow this to divide us. Or cause you to get annoyed more. I’d give anything for Rachel to be here annoying the heck out of me. I’d give anything for her to be here loving me.
If nothing else, make this a time where you love those around you harder. Love your neighbors well. Love your family well. Love your people well. And in the end, just do what Rachel would do and love people like Rachel would love.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Brandon Janous from Knoxville, TN. You can follow their journey on Instagram. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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