“’Not pregnant.’ ‘Negative.’ ‘Inconclusive.’ ‘Not ovulating.’ These simple words haunted our lives for eighteen months with no explanation bringing sadness and disappointment with them. But the night is always darkest before the dawn. Welcome to our story!
My doctor came into the exam room after what seemed like forever. ‘Tracy, it’s not good news!’ My heart sank but I wasn’t surprised. I had been preparing myself for this. ‘It will take a miracle for you to get and stay pregnant on your own again. There are options, but it will not be easy, and it will not be fast.’ I left the office that morning and called my husband in tears.
How could this be happening? We wanted more children. How could secondary infertility be a part of our life story? After a year and a half trying for our third baby and countless tests done on our bodies, we were exhausted and emotionally drained. But the very day our doctor told me the bad news was also a very exciting day. We had just turned in our application to our adoption agency to adopt an infant. The Lord works in mysterious ways, He knew we needed a bright spot to see through the darkness.
Adoption was not a decision we made quickly or easily. We had discussed adopting from the time we were engaged. We had always known we would adopt one day, but we didn’t know it would be due to secondary infertility. Our next journey began. After a few months of trying to match with a birthmother, we got the good news! Our family was matched, and it was TWINS!!! We were over the moon!!! We never thought in our wildest dreams we would be expecting one baby, let alone TWO babies!
We went to work getting our home and family prepared for the arrival of our babies. We had our nursery set up for two, a new vehicle with room for our four sweet kiddos, I decreased my hours as a Dental Hygienist, and travel plans were ready. But the day our babies were supposed to be born came and went with no news from our birth mama. Then another day, a week, two weeks. Our birth mother had gone silent. Our hearts were breaking while we tried to keep optimistic. But like the day our doctor gave us the bad news, we knew our placement had failed. We had to move on when it seemed impossible to do so.
After some time of healing our hearts and allowing ourselves to let go of the future we had planned with our little girl and boy twins, we put our names back on the list for another birth mother in need. We were shocked when this call came just three weeks after being an active family again. A little girl was due any day and the mama chose us! We were so excited but silently terrified! Then we got the call we had been waiting for. Our agent called and I could hardly understand her through her excitement! ‘She’s in labor!!!!! She wants you there as soon as you can!’
We told our two boys the exciting news, they were equally excited and couldn’t wait for their baby sister to come home with us in a few days. We had to drive to an airport 6 hours away to catch a flight due to COVID reducing flights, but we got to the east coast the next afternoon!!! My husband and I had narrowed down a few names to choose from, bought the infant car seat and set our hotel room up for our daughter. It was finally happening. Or was it?
We waited to be called to meet our little girl and her birth mother with excitement and nerves, but once again our hearts would break. Our sweet mama chose to keep her baby. Let me be clear, our hearts were shattered but we never once felt any anger with the mama. Either of them. NEVER! Instead, we felt proud. A young girl that didn’t think she would have the strength to keep her daughter felt an instant bond and love which all birth mamas do, but she had a wonderful family who surrounded her and made it possible for her to keep her little girl. Her heart was full, and she was complete.
Now our empty-handed journey home to break the news to our two sons. A silent 6-hour journey. As we stepped out of our car, our boys ran out the door to see their sister. But their hearts sank, and our sweet five-year-old son broke down and cried so hard. At such a young age he couldn’t comprehend what he was feeling. We didn’t realize how attached he had already become with the sweet thought of being a big brother again. As a mama, this hurt so bad. I wanted to take away his pain. I wanted to heal his broken little heart. I wanted to take my husband and I’s pain away too.
After the rollercoaster we had been on for now two long years, we decided to take a break from all things baby. We decided we couldn’t handle the stress of waiting for a baby to join our family either biologically or through adoption. We gave up, our hope was broken. But once again, our Lord and Savior knows best. He knows what we can and can’t handle. We had only been home from our last attempted adoption for five days. FIVE. Another call came our way.
Our adoption agency hadn’t given up on us like we had. A mama was in labor and wanted us. Then the biggest surprise and blessing… it was twins again! We were shocked and yet felt so at peace. This is what was meant for us for some reason. Twins! We had another chance for two babies. We got back on a flight to the exact same city we had just been in a few days earlier to meet our mama and hopefully our babies. This time around we chose not to tell our two older sons about this possibility. We wanted to spare them the pain and stress that could possibly happen again.
We prayed and prayed these babies would be a part of our family. It was the longest flight of our lives. Stressing over the thought of landing and learning once again we would return without babies haunted us the whole flight, but it was nothing like that. Once we landed, our birth mama’s labor had stopped. They were able to keep the babies in for a little longer. This would prove the biggest blessing ever. We were able to spend a few days with our wonderful mama. We were able to get to know each other and grow a special bond with her. She is an amazing person with so much love for her children. A beautiful person in and out. After we returned home for a few days, she was once again in labor and ready for us. Our two boys were born. Tiny, sweet, and perfect!
She was amazing during and after their birth! I was able to go to the NICU and meet our babies after our papers were signed and I couldn’t contain my emotions. Two years of tears had added up and came streaming down my face when I saw them. Instant love! Literally love at first sight! I knew they were ours! Due to COVID, my husband couldn’t meet them until they were a week old, the longest week ever for him! But it was also instant love! It’s something we can’t quite describe. It’s a special feeling we hold very dear to our hearts.
They were born on a day that means a lot to our family. You see, our older two boys happened to be born on the first of the month by coincidence. We had always teased we would need to convince our doctor one day to induce our next baby on the first of the month to keep the streak. Our twin boys didn’t want to be left out. They decided to be born on the first of the month as well. All four of our boys have this sweet day in common. If you believe in signs, I’m pretty sure this is a big one. They are our little miracles. Our missing pieces.
Why did our family have to go through so much pain to get to where we are? Because the pain is the most important part of our story. Without the pain, we would have never known how many people care about us. We had friends and family surround us in ways we couldn’t imagine. Without the pain, we wouldn’t have our amazing twin boys and their incredible mama in our family. We went through the pain and heartache to find our happily ever after.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Trace Wilson. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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