“I was chatting with an old friend online and she asked me if I was happy, and I had a pretty difficult time answering it.
There’s this logical part of me that wanted to mention how I have a good marriage, a good family, a nice home, and a stable career. I went to college and I’ve published books. But that’s the thing with depression. It doesn’t care how good your life is, and I think that’s one of the hardest things to explain.
Depression feels like I got 98 problems right on an exam, but I can’t stop kicking myself for missing those two questions.
Depression feels holding a tub over my head that’s filled to the brim with water. Sometimes it’s in balance, but often times it splashes over one side, or the other, and I have to shift my positioning, only for it to splash out the other side.
Depression feels like knowing that people love me, but always questioning it.
Depression feels like I’m failing when I’m successful, assuming people are talking about me when they aren’t, and always doubting my abilities.
Depression feels like finally accomplishing that one thing I sought because I assumed it would bring me happiness, only to realize it didn’t, so I keep searching. It’s like I’m always searching and never finding. I think this is why celebrities, business owners, doctors… those who seem to have it all, sometimes can’t find happiness, and everyone is shocked when they commit suicide.
So, if you know someone struggling with depression realize that it has so little to do with what they have, and more to do with who they are.
None of it is logical, and yet all of it is very real and difficult to live with, and made it almost impossible for me to answer my friends’ question: ‘Are you happy?’
‘Well…’ I said. ‘Sometimes. It’s complicated…’”
This story was written by Clint Edwards and is an abridged chapter from Clint’s hilarious new book Silence is a Scary Sound: And Other Stories on Living Through the Terrible Twos and Threes. His new book can be found here. Follow Clint on Instagram here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
Read more from Clint here:
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