“10 years ago, I met Fabian briefly on a cigarette break (back then we were smoking— now we are healthy). Fabian said, ‘You always meet twice in your life,’ and so we did. About one week later, we met at the same spot for another cigarette break. Fabian again said, ‘You always meet twice in your life,’ and then we didn‘t see each other again. I liked Fabian a lot. I even told my sister about the attractive, muddled guy I met at university.
One year later, 9 years ago, Christian and I met at a festival in our hometown. Christian and my sister were Scouts together, so she introduced us. We couldn‘t stop looking into each other’s eyes, and we fell in love quickly.
We were really in love. We wanted to build our relationship on honesty, so we talked about everything right from the beginning. Christian revealed he only had one relationship before he met me. I explained I didn’t want him to miss out on anything. We realized keeping the relationship open would be better and healthier for us. We told each other about all of our desires. When we met people we were attracted to, we allowed each other to flirt and kiss them.
Eventually, Christian and I noted it was okay to have an open relationship with others. I witnessed Christian become more self-confident and I loved to see him glow. Although I liked the freedom, I rapidly realized I didn‘t need to connect with others anymore.
After 2 weeks together, Christian and I went to a good-bye party for my best friend. He wanted to leave for a whole year to go on a trip around the world. It was a big surprise that I saw Fabian there one year after our cigarette break together. I told Christian about this coincidence and how we originally met.
We remember this day strongly. I laughed the whole time and Christian felt a bit intimidated because Fabian and I got along very well. ‘Since my best friend is leaving, you will be my best friend now,’ I joked with Fabian. Going home, I explained to Christian there was nothing to be afraid of. Yes, I liked this guy before, and yes, I get along with him well, but that doesn’t change the strong feelings I have with Christian. Christian felt the special bond we had and stopped worrying.
After a few weeks, Fabian started to become superb friends with us. We went to (almost) every party together and both of us were happy when Fabian came along.
I began to feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea of an open relationship. I realized it became more important for Christian to meet other women than it was for me to meet other guys. In fact, I didn‘t meet any other man. So, I told Christian, ‘I want to create balance. I want you to acknowledge I have the same rights to meet other men as you have meeting other women.’
But then again, I didn‘t want to meet any guy alone. So, we talked through some options and came up with the idea of a foursome. We didn‘t know any other couple as open as we were, so we asked two friends to join. Unexpectedly, both friends said yes.
On the given night, only Fabian showed up. Our female friend had to cancel. We sat down confused. What do we do in a situation like that? I never wanted a threesome with two guys. How does that even work? I thought about it a lot. We all drank a lot. In the end, we had something together. We cannot call it threesome, though. It was like 3 people naked, not knowing what to do, and finally just drinking more and laughing more.
This was the moment we grew into best friends. A weird situation like that makes you grow closer. There was almost nothing we couldn‘t talk about. We saw each other naked and it was a strange situation for all of us.
After some time passed, Christian and I grew stronger together. We moved to Cologne, eventually got engaged, and were happy to celebrate our love together. It was all about the wedding.
Back then, Fabian was still living in his hometown with his parents, finishing his bachelor’s degree. When he was done, he realized moving to Cologne where his best friends lived would make him happy. So, he moved in with us a couple of months before our wedding. It was an arrangement that was supposed to last only until he found a job and an apartment. He was always there, and he started to help us with our wedding preparations.
What was supposed to be temporary, became permanent. Not only did Fabian stay, but he also became a part of the relationship. He moved from the couch into the bed and was always part of every discussion. When Christian and I were arguing, Fabian helped to mediate the situation. When Fabian and I were arguing, Christian took the part to calm down the other two. We realized that the marriage was not complete; Fabian was missing in our relationship.
How can this work? Chris and Fabian are straight, and I am not hetero in definition.
But we all love each other!
It took a long time until all of us realized that polyamory was a thing. Look at the divorce rates… when two people cannot last, how can three? We realized there were feelings but decided to enjoy the moment while it lasted. We never dared to believe this could be forever. Fabian started dating other women and Christian and I became afraid. What if Fabian meets somebody that will not like us? We just want him to find a woman that allows us to stay friends, if not more. We even paused the relationship to make it easier for Fabian to leave us. But nothing worked out, and he never fell in love— and we were secretly happy about it.
So, we thought one woman and two men wouldn’t work… maybe we should try to build a quad to make it more balanced? We tried to find a woman. It would be easier for society and ourselves to accept it that way. How could we even think of family and children with only one woman and two men? When we started talking about children, the number 4 didn‘t appear, and we realized we are happy as we are. We don‘t need anybody else. We love each other and we will find a way to settle as a family. We agreed on how it could work out for us to have children.
We are a closed triad now. We all are in a relationship together. We don’t date and we don’t look for a number four. We want to concentrate on the love of our child(ren). Will we ever open up again? We don‘t know… but since we couldn’t have ever dreamed of living as a triad, we won‘t say never. You always can fall in love. This is polyamory for us.
Society is sometimes skeptical. There are many prejudices about polyamory. People think we are cheating, it’s just about sex, or we cannot commit. Actually, sex is not the main part of our relationship. Yes, we were experimenting almost 10 years ago when we were younger, but now we are a working family, putting our child first. Last year, we decided to have a baby and start a family. Then we realized we need to step out of the shadows and do the coming out.
Our little baby son is 8 months old now, and we realized that there is a lot to change in our society to make him grow up in a world that accepts his family. Of course, sometimes we are afraid people will make our son feel that his family is not right. This is the reason we are fighting for more awareness now. We hope our son will not have to explain what his family is about in 10 years.
We hope to raise more rights for other polyamorous relationships. At the moment, polygamy is illegal and even criminalized in Germany, so we cannot marry. We must have a will for our son in case something happens to his 2 legal parents because it was not possible to sign 3 parents on the birth certificate.
Aside from all the societal problems, we consider our son the luckiest kid on earth. He is blessed with 2 fathers and has more people to care for him, play with him, and share interests with him. Fabian likes music and loves Spanish, Christian is fantastic at drawing and IT, and his mom is a really emotional and intelligent woman who likes to study (I definitely will help him with his homework).
We are lucky we have our baby son. Thanks to him, we stopped hiding. It was exhausting to stay in the shadows for so many years and to pretend there was nothing. If we were to give advice, it would be to feel the love you feel and don’t hide. We need society to see that love is beautiful and it’s worth taking the risk no matter what others might think. Love just sometimes develops itself, even if you don’t want it to.
Our son has 6 grandparents, and they all love him. Isn’t that great?”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Nicole, Christian, and Fabian of Cologne, Germany. You can follow their journey on Instagram, Youtube, and their website. Submit your own story here and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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