“Today I met my friend’s new baby! I smelled the newborn goodness. I watched her little mouth open while she yawns and holds my thumb.
Then, I felt a familiar sensation… my ovaries start to go off like firecrackers, like my little uterus has pressed the red button and is screaming MAYDAY! MAYDAY! We need a fetus!!
I message my husband saying, ‘One more?,’ while holding said baby. No reply. I haven’t spoken to him for three days prior to that, so I wasn’t surprised.
Then I start crying when my friend asks for her baby back. Apparently, I can’t breastfeed her just because I feel so maternal right now.
I start to drive home, to initiate the making of the baby, forgetting the fact I said to myself, ‘never, ever do this again,’ when I bought my third baby home with a broken body and a cannula stuck in my arm.
I call the gynecologist that I made an appointment with to get an IUD to cancel it. No answer – never mind! I leave a message telling them I’ve changed my mind and to call me back.
I finally get home and was welcomed by my three loving children. My 3-year-old is pulling the 5-year old’s hair, while husband is changing 1-year old’s diaper with poop on his hands, cupping his groin with the other. ‘I have to go the bathroom,’ he says, and hands me the baby, diaperless, and rushes off.
My 1-year old grabs my face and rips my cheeks off, bites me and decides to take another poo while my hand is under his bum. I put him down and rush to the bathroom, dry retching, to wash it off… on the way I step on a smooshed banana and a Pokémon ball, slip, falling forward, hands first and smearing poop on the floor. Just slightly away from me having my face in it.
The baby then tries to touch poop as my 5-year-old jumps on my back and yells, ‘Giddy up horsey!,’ a my 3-year-old starts crying because she found her drink bottle with 10-year-old milk in it and it tastes bad.
My husband comes out, peels all the kids off me. I wash my hands and then my phone rings.
‘Hi Laura, it’s Mary from Dr. Phillips’ office, we got your message about cancelling your appointment?’
‘Did I say cancel? I meant to say speed up. Can I have an appointment today? Tomorrow? Now? Could I also get the injection and two IUD’s?… actually, you can go ahead and just take my ovaries? Thanks.’
And that was the end of that idea.”
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