“Four years, today we have been married for four years. A few months ago, I was unsure of our future and if we would make it to our next anniversary. Although we’ve only been married a short amount of time in the eyes of most, we have gone through a great deal of trials, heartbreak and joy. I think we have both seen each other at our worst, when we’ve been so broken and hurt. He has never let me all the way in, parts of him closed off, always striving to keep his ‘perfect’ image. I never had a good marriage to look at and brought in a lot of anger and resentment. We’ve also been together at our best, when we are working together to make each other a priority, during job promotions, and becoming parents.
May 12 was a day I will never forget. Discovering a secret that would break me to my core. His explanation? ‘It is just a joke.’ Life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. I spent the day laying on the bathroom floor, crying my heart out, asking God ‘why?!’ over and over again. How was this my reality? How did we get to this point? I remember being so heartbroken I could barely function.
Where do we go from here? How do we begin to pick up the pieces and put them back together? What happened to forever? What are the steps to rebuilding trust? How did this happen?
The coming days would be filled with anger, hurt, bitterness, and betrayal. It took all my strength to get up each morning and take care of my kids, barely hanging on to myself. Not only do I have to handle life with two children who have special qualities, facing an autism diagnosis, but now this? Really, did I need this on my plate? When was I going to get a break?
So many things had to happen to ‘fix’ what had been broken, so many things still have to happen to create a better life, so we don’t go back to what it was before. This season has been one of the most painful of all, I would say the most devastating pain I have ever experienced. It has also been the season where I’ve been learning the most. Learning about who I am, how God sees me, and how to be the woman He has called me to be. I am learning that I am too quick to anger, constantly jumping the gun, assuming the worst. I speak harshly and focus mostly on the negative side of things, neglecting the little bit of positivity there might be.
Mostly, I’m learning that I am worthy. I am loved. God does see and hear me. He has made Himself present during the days of laughter and the nights full of tears. He has shown up in bouquets of flowers, sweet text messages, and changed behaviors. I am strong and I am brave for taking the route that I have, choosing not to give up and run in the opposite direction.
In January of this year, the word ‘overcome’ was what I felt God was speaking over my life. I was going to overcome, He was going to work through me and together we would overcome anything. Little did I know that this would be an incredibly hard year, but that’s where God does some of the most amazing miracles. It’s in these hard moments where we are transformed into His likeness, when we draw near to Him and He pulls us even closer and whispers, ‘I’ve got this.’ It’s hard, brutally hard, but there is goodness on the other end. There is truth and love in Him.
We made it to four years, four of the hardest, most painful but most wonderful years. What most people do not understand about being wronged, especially in a marriage, is that it does not stop you from loving the person. That is what God’s love is all about, forgiving the unforgivable, offering grace and forgiveness, and moving towards restoration. While some days I struggle with doubt and doing my best to not let the devil’s lies into my heart, I am excited and filled with so much hope for our future. There is hope, there is grace, and there is love. Both of us are working so hard to reconcile our relationship will make us stronger. Redemption is possible, trust can be restored and reconciliation can be found. Here’s to making the coming years full of love, laughter and joy.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Caitlan Chery. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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