‘I’ve never felt closer to my husband, and yet more distant. I’m so excited to watch them grow, but simultaneously, I wish they’d stay little forever.’: Mom explains why motherhood is ‘one beautiful contradiction’

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“I’ve been the happiest since I’ve had children.
I’ve also been at my lowest.

I’m a much better version of myself.
I haven’t always liked what I’ve seen when mirrors have been held up to me.

I’ve never been in more company.
And at times never felt so lonely.

Some days I don’t want to end.
Some days I wish away, oh, and the guilt from feeling that when they grow so fast.

I’ve never been so sure of who I’m meant to be.
I’ve never wondered so much who I am.

I’ve never felt closer to my husband.
But at times, I’ve never felt more distant.

I believe in myself, I trust myself.
I’ve questioned myself and doubted myself.

I always want to be better for them.
But I’ve yelled and cried and wished I’d handled certain situations better.

I’ve never loved so hard and so fiercely.
And I’ve never felt so vulnerable.

I’ve never been more broken.
And I’ve never been more complete.

I’ve never smiled so much.
I’ve never cried so much.

I’ve never craved alone time more.
But when I am I always feel like somethings missing—like an arm.

I’ve never been so excited to watch them grow.
And simultaneously wished they’d stay little forever.

Some days I feel like I’ve achieved nothing.
But as I think of them at night, I know I’ve achieved everything.

I’ve never looked forward to so much.
And I’ve also never looked back.

It’s one beautiful contradiction.
A journey of wrong turns that are probably still right.
And dreams of the future even if you don’t get enough sleep to dream.

Exhaustion but effortless love.
The hardest and most rewarding thing ever.
Motherhood.”

Courtesy of Jess Urlichs

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Jessica Urlichs. You can follow her journey on Facebook and InstagramSubmit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.

Read more from Jessica:

‘Yes, you are my second child, but my love for you is second to none. You’ve made me the mama I am proud to be.’: Mom shares touching ode to baby #2, ‘I’d move mountains for you in seconds’

‘You’ll question if you’re doing anything right. Panic, second guess. You’ll rise in the dead of night, time after time, and wonder if you’re enough.’: Mom shares touching letter to mothers, ‘It isn’t easy, but it is so, so worth it’

‘Dear mom, there is so much I didn’t understand back then, but now I do.’: Woman pens sweet letter to mother after giving birth

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