Recently hearing about suicide has really been bothering me. I have written this post around 10 different times, each time completely deleting everything I wrote. But now it’s time. Why do people who seem to have it all end their life? Why would ANYONE end their life? Those are the questions I had wondered growing up, never being able to understand how someone could be in so much pain deep down inside, that dying was the only solution. Well, maybe no one asked them if they were okay.
I used to be someone who “had it all.” I had a steady athletic career that started at the ripe age of 14. I was also a cheerleader, had my parents wrapped around my finger, I had a boyfriend, fun friends and even got to travel around the U.S. to train and work on my sport. My life was amazing until an incident that lasted between the ages of 15 to 18 happened to me — something I was too young for, something that messed me up so badly mentally. By the time I was 19, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t go out there and do the sport I once loved. All I wanted to do was lock myself in my room and sleep which was a big deal for me because I was once so athletic. I used to start my day at 5 a.m. and not end it until 10 p.m. just training, working out and running. I didn’t know what was wrong with me but by the time I was 20, I had my final fight. I gave up a career I had worked so hard for and started drinking, a lot. I turned into an alcoholic before I even hit 21. I cut off my family from my life as well after they tried so hard to help me, and believe me they tried. I cut God out of my life as well. I couldn’t understand how He could let such a strong person break down and hit rock bottom. I was alone mentally and extremely depressed. Not one person asked me if I was okay.
No one asked me if I was okay when I would drunkenly post on my Facebook saying, “I just can’t do it anymore.”
No one asked me if I was okay when I had matted knots in my hair after not washing it for two weeks.
No one asked me if I was okay when I put on 35 pounds in one month.
No one asked me if I was okay when I was chugging vodka like it was water.
No one asked me if I was okay when they would stop by my apartment and my room looked like it would be on the Hoarders show.
Why didn’t anyone ask me if I was okay? Was it a bystander effect? Did they assume I was fine and did they know the girl who once had it all, had nothing? I was so broken. I was further than rock bottom and by the grace of God I’m still here to tell my story. If someone would have told me 4 years ago I would be a mother to a beautiful little girl and would feel happiness beyond belief, I would have laughed in their face. One night I decided to give praying a try again and I prayed for him to change my life because I couldn’t do it by myself. Jesus saved me that night. He gave me another chance, he saved my life with a new life and I will forever be grateful.
I am almost four years sober and a mother to a beautiful 3-year-old. I have never even had a desire to drink since the day I saw those two pink lines. This is all such a great testament and I could go on about it all day, but I can’t help but wonder… why didn’t anyone else try to help me? Where were my old coaches, training partners and friends? And the question that still haunts me today… What if I would have just given up on life? That question actually breaks my heart every time I think about it. I look at my daughter and couldn’t imagine a life where we weren’t together. I look at my family and could never imagine leaving them again. If you are depressed hang in there. I promise it will get better. And if you think you know someone who is depressed, PLEASE ask them if they are okay.
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