‘I could’ve killed myself, or my precious son. I’m riddled with guilt. I’m so ashamed of things I’ve done in front of my child.’: Mother in the throes of addiction, ‘I don’t want to do it anymore. I want my son to have a sober mom’

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“It’s 3 a.m. and I can’t sleep. I checked myself into a rehab facility and I’m feeling all the feels. I have a toddler at home who I will not be able to take to get his picture with Santa. I will not be able to take him to see all the pretty Christmas lights. I haven’t been emotionally present for almost all of my son’s life since he’s been born.

I have been completely disconnected from my boyfriend and the father of my son for almost two years now. There have been many times before I checked myself in here that I could’ve killed myself, someone else, and especially my precious son.

This is addiction. This is a disease. Let me break it down for those who may not understand what having THIS type of disease is like. I have a part of my brain that, last night, told me: ‘I should leave here, go call the guy who left the other night to go get high. Everyone at home will think I’m still here for a while and nobody from the rehab can call my loved ones because it’s illegal to share information about a ‘patient.’ It was kind of boring getting high at home, taking care of a toddler all day. I want to do the whole ‘going on a run’ thing… I never got to do that. It would be fun to stay at a motel for a week and just get high as f***k (excuse my french). I haven’t put a needle in my arm in over nine years. I just want to do it ONE MORE TIME.’

So many of us who struggle with addiction can’t sit still when our head goes there. I could have easily walked out the doors of this place. I am not in a locked down facility. I am here because I chose to be. I needed help, badly. You see, that whole ‘one more time’ thing killed my sibling and many other family members of mine.

What would happen if we, and I’m speaking to all the addicts reading this who I know are hearing me, sat in the uncomfortability? Sat still and felt the cravings, felt the anxiety, felt the shame, felt the guilt, felt it all. Scary as hell, right? Well I did it last night. And I’m doing it again tonight.

I may be in a facility, but I am by no means locked up here. I’m free to leave at any given time. I could taste the opiates in the back of my throat last night. That’s how hard of a night I had. Instead of doing what I’ve always done, which is text the connect immediately, I got in the shower and sat down and let the water run down my body as I cried, allowing myself to feel my feelings and not running from them.

I’ve been running from myself my whole life. I had almost six years of sobriety at one point, and it’s been the struggle of a lifetime to get back on track. Now back to the shower. In the midst of my body physically craving and wanting to check the F out and get high, I prayed to God to please help me. I told Him how much physical and emotional pain I’m in. I asked Him to please help get me through the night. By the grace of God, I made it into my bed after sitting down in the shower, letting all my tears out, asking my Higher Power, who I call God, to help me. I fell asleep within 15 minutes.

Here I am again, in the same place I was last night. But I haven’t walked out the doors and I’m not going to, for today. We cannot focus on tomorrow. We need to stay in right now, what are we feeling RIGHT NOW? This is the first time in a very long time that I’m understanding the beauty of this type of pain.

I’m riddled with guilt. I’m so ashamed of the things I’ve done in front of my child, and the things I’ve done to people I love the most. Again, THIS is addiction. I’m talking from a place of someone who’s smack dab in the grips of it. I lost my sibling to this disease. His ‘ONE MORE TIME’ killed him.

And that’s the insanity of this insidious disease. So what if my mother has to bury another child? So what if my child gets taken from me? So what if I overdose and someone who loves me dearly has to find me and call 911 in hopes I can be revived? This disease doesn’t care. And it truly is a DIS-EASE. A constant feeling of discontent.

I chose to share where I’m at because I know there’s millions of people in my exact position right now. What would it mean to face the fears of your own feelings? It sounds too overwhelming, I know — I’m living it. I’ve been picking up the phone and being honest about my pain and fears. I would normally stuff it down, and keep it numb with drugs. I don’t want to do it anymore. I want my son to have a sober mom. I pray he doesn’t even remember this time in his life and I pray I’m able to forgive myself for this time in his life.

You’re probably wondering how I ended up relapsing after almost six years, right? I too wondered how it happened for a while. You see, I stopped taking care of ME when I had my son. I figured, ‘Hey, I’ve got this thing now. I don’t need to go to meetings anymore’.

I stopped praying. I didn’t tell anyone I was struggling emotionally, struggling with the severe overwhelming job of being a new mother, struggling with life that now consisted of being responsible for another human. It took me only seven months for all I’ve practiced, all the hard work I’ve done on myself, to go out the window. And it took only four months after, before I was snorting pills that could’ve killed me, on a daily basis.

I’ve had to learn a lot of lessons the very hard way since I’ve relapsed and have been struggling to get my sobriety back. It doesn’t need to be like that for you, whoever is reading this and can truly understand where I’m coming from. I bet one of you has a child that only knows you as the ‘drug addict’ mother or father, or the ‘alcoholic.’ We’re so much more than that.

It’s not who we are in our hearts. We are people with deep-rooted wounds that we are too afraid to face, so lets just numb it, right? It took so much courage for me to finally admit I needed help. To step away from my little boy who is attached to my hip. To say, ‘Yes! I’m hurting! I’m struggling!’

I’ve caused so much pain to the people I love the most in just less than a year and a half. I did some really shady and horrible things. That’s where my addiction takes me. And if yours hasn’t taken you there yet, it will. Please, don’t be ashamed to ask for help. It’s the most courageous thing you can do for yourself, and your loved ones.”

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by a woman who wishes to remain anonymous. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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