‘Why don’t you just relax?’: Couple battling infertility offers advice on how to support others

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“What NOT to say to your friend who is going through fertility treatments.

‘Just relax. Don’t stress and you’ll get pregnant, it worked for my friend’s cousin’s sister.’ Many couples who are undergoing timed intercourse, IUI, or IVF have legit medical conditions for why they can’t conceive on their own. Relaxing isn’t going to take away someone’s PCO, endometriosis, low/poor sperm counts/quality, blocked fallopian tubes or their genetic carrier status. Please, I beg you, stop saying this to people. Instead, try taking you friend out to DO something relaxing! Maybe plan a girls spa day and talk about anything other than your friend’s ability to get pregnant.

‘It’ll happen when it’s supposed to.’ Believe me, I know this is meant to be reassuring but when you aren’t getting pregnant month after month, year after year… this makes you think, ‘Maybe I’m not meant to be a mother,’ which is the most heart breaking thought ever.

‘Why don’t you just adopt? There’s plenty of children out there who need a family.’ I can’t even count how many times I’ve been asked about adoption and it either makes me want to scream or burst out crying, depending on my mood. Yes, adoption is an amazing thing. Is it for everyone? No. Is it for us? Maybe, but we aren’t there yet. Can you imagine someone wanting you to give up on your dream of having their own biological child and telling you to just adopt instead? No? Because no one says that to fertile people. But they say it all the time to people struggling to get pregnant. Not only is adoption a very personal decision, but it’s also very expensive. Fertility treatments can cost up to $30k for one round, and adoption can cost even more than that. Chances are, your friend is already drained financially, and they wouldn’t even be able to afford to adopt.

If you’ve said any of these things to me, it isn’t a dig at you, I promise. I know all the advice is coming from a good place, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating to hear. If your friend is going through something similar, ask them how they are doing, tell them you’re here for them when they want to talk. That will mean more to them than anything else.”

Courtesy of Michele

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Michele. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Submit your own story hereand be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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