“Our journey began on May 18, 2018, when I saw those beautiful, strong two pink lines… We were blessed with another baby that was so planned and so wanted. But little did I know in that moment our journey was going to be a short one and that I too would be one of those pregnancy loss statistics.
Straight after our 12-week scan (which I did at 14 weeks) we found out that our little girl had a neural tube defect which resulted in having to terminate our pregnancy. My doctor called us in and to be honest, after I heard him say, ‘I am so sorry Justine, but this means you have to terminate your pregnancy,’ I completely zoned out. My husband held me and as I walked back through the doctor’s surgeries reception. I tried so hard to hold back my tears. As soon as I get into the car, I burst out crying. To be honest I was confused. I am so healthy and my preconception bloods came back so perfect and nothing seemed wrong besides my morning sickness being so much more intense this time, but I put this down to having a girl.
I had already visualized my whole entire life with her… how I would do her hair, how I would do her nursery up and what we would do on our special mama and daughter dates. But I never questioned it, I always saw her as my special little gift and I felt so lucky that she chose me to be her mama, even for a short while.
I chose to birth Gigi – I was given the option. But I knew that for me personally that would be the only way I would get the closure I truly needed and would help me on my healing journey. One week later I was booked in to be induced.
I woke up on the 27th of August 2018, and started my day like I would any other … My son running into us with the biggest smile on his face and jumping in our bed for cuddles. I held onto him a little tighter on this morning and had tears running down my face. He said to me, ‘You alright, mama? It’s a beautiful day!’
And he was right. It was going to be a beautiful day. We were about to meet our angel baby and get the closure that we truly needed.
I gave Chase and my little sister Patrice a big hug goodbye – reassuring them that I would be home in time to tuck Chase into bed. And I hopped into the car with who my husband Ty calls my birthing dream team (which I agree) – him and my mum.
I chose to treat Gigi’s birth (I had planned to have a home birth with her) how I treated Chase’s. Trusting my body, remaining as relaxed and open as possible and connecting within. I believe giving birth is a real spiritual endeavor and after all, I felt like we deserved to have our very own precious ‘birth story’ too.
So, from the second I got induced I went into my birth bubble. I listened to my beautiful birth songs, I let my tears flow the whole entire time, I remained extremely calm and open and most of all I felt her sweet soul buzzing around me. This was a huge part of my preparation. I knew if I hadn’t have said goodbye to her 2 days prior when I had to take the drug that stopped her placenta from functioning, then my birth would have been extremely painful. And it makes sense right, trying to let go of something that you’re not ready to let go of can result in physical pain.
My tears on that day weren’t from saying goodbye to her. They were from accepting she was gone and now my angel by my side.
Three hours post induction Gigi’s song randomly came on, I couldn’t believe it… I burst out crying and in that exact same moment, my water broke. I felt this immense feeling of peace and I knew I was only minutes away from birthing our angel baby.
Ty took my earphones out and asked if I was okay. I said, ‘Ty, I am about to birth her.’
He leaned in to kiss and hold me. He grabbed my face, looked right into my eyes and he said, ‘Juss, I am so f*ckin proud of you.’
We held her, we cried, and we smiled.
And then 6 hours later, hand in hand with my husband, we walked out of those hospital doors without her, but together completely different people. Grateful for how much her precious little soul had taught us.
I mean, her little soul hadn’t even spent more than a day on earth, but she touched our hearts so deeply AND that’s when we knew that we had experienced the purity of love itself. Love in its most traumatic, yet pure form and with absolutely no strings, no expectations and no conditions attached. For we only had a brief moment together, but in that moment, we were bonded together for life.
Of course, I have had other emotions, sadness, regret, pain and sorrow, but my overriding emotion has always been LOVE and truly, LOVE is all that there is. So complex yet so simple.
We returned home just in time for me to tuck Chase into bed. I shared an extra special story with him that night. How his baby sister was safe in the stars and how lucky we were to have our very own angel watching over us forever.
3 months later she sent us the most precious gift – another little man to love. And you wouldn’t believe it, his due date was the exact same day I birthed her – the most special sign I have ever received.
It’s now that I have him in my arms that it all makes a little more sense… without losing her I would never have found my way to him – our special rainbow baby. And I love that each year we celebrate him, we remember her.
When birthing him I drew so much strength from her and our short but precious journey together.
I would like women to know that they aren’t alone on their pregnancy loss journey. I want them to see the beauty in the heartbreak, I want them to know that their precious angel babies are important so to never be in silence and to never ever stop speaking of them. And most of all, I want them to know that although these babies never made it earth side, their DNA is a part of us forever – there is nothing more real than that.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Justine Zampogna. You can follow her journey on Instagram. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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‘I need to talk to you guys.’ I just said, ‘the brain.’ My husband was in shock, but I knew. We wouldn’t get our baby girl.’: Mother loses twin daughter to anencephaly after birth, ‘My oldest gave me a lovey for her to take to heaven’
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