“This is not one of my most glamorous moments.
I can’t believe I’m actually sharing this photo. I’ve never shared a photo capturing an in-the-moment meltdown. I’m always as open and honest as I can be when it comes to sharing my joys and struggles on my Instagram. I wanted to create a space that represented vulnerability and honesty. I had a really hard week. While I was recording my stories, I accidentally snapped this pic of me in tears. Despite how raw, vulnerable, and unattractive this photo is, I’m glad I shared it because it gives me the opportunity to write about how hard Motherhood is and share raw moments of anxiety. Moments that initially I wasn’t gong to share with you, but then, the vulnerable part of me knew, I had to.
This week was emotionally and physically draining. We have had a lot going on. We recently moved into our first home. We still have hardly any furniture and I think it has been a time of transition for us all.
On top of the move, the daily struggles of raising triplet toddlers has been a lot on me. For me, tantrums often lead to anxiety and have even resulted in a panic attack. I’ve learned a lot of tools to help me over the years, but every now and then I find myself where I was last week.
I try to stay out of the house on hard days because I am also less vulnerable to yell at my kids when I’m with others and not enclosed at home. However, last week my boys’ behavior was incredibly challenging nearly everywhere we went. Jax, continually, struggles to respond to his frustrations and anger. It has been so hard, upsetting, and honestly, at times I just don’t know how to help him express those emotions. It has been so overwhelming. We went to a friend’s house and my boys weren’t being kind to their friends. I had to follow through on some consequences which also affected me and my daughter Charlize. We had to leave our play date due to my boys’ behavior. I was so disappointed, but knew I had to follow through.
This kind of behavior, however, is something that we’ve been working through for quite awhile now. It just seems like it has gotten exceptionally worse with everything going on.
My anxiety was at an all-time high and I was embarrassed and ashamed of my kids’ behavior. I had to take Xanax. My husband Ry had to call his parents to come help me because I, honestly, needed a mental break. I needed to be alone. I needed a hot bath, a nap, and Jesus. My mind felt clouded, and in all honesty, I couldn’t parent well in the midst of my own anxieties and struggles. The very next day, the triplets’ Pre-school teacher recommended play therapy for my boys to help them navigate through their feelings. Initially, I was devastated and felt defeated. How has it come to this? Is it really that bad? I’ve always been pro-therapy, but it was hard for me to hear.
There was a lot of tears, moments where I felt like I wasn’t enough and I was failing my kids. Moments of pure exhaustion, and also moments of forgiveness and love. Motherhood is so hard. And if I have learned anything by sharing the not so pretty days I have with my kids, it is that being vulnerable connects us as human beings, as Mothers. It reminds us we aren’t alone. It allows us to grow and find strength. So, while this is photo may not be Instagram worthy, it undoubtedly captures true emotion, connection, strength, and vulnerability.
I want to set my kids up for the best success I can. We are looking into play therapy and how it will help our boys. We continue to focus in positive reinforcement and be intentional in our parenting. We are also looking into karate because it is a great activity that teaches discipline and respect. So, while some parenting days can feel incredibly defeating, we have to remember, we are doing the very best job we can. You are not alone. I am not alone. We are not alone.”
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