“I never realized when I was a little girl that role playing and pretending to be pregnant would be as close as I would get to living that dream. That’s what I wanted to be one day. Then you grow up and you realize, those games don’t turn out exactly like you thought.
I was 21 when I met my Wesley. The moment I saw him, he was everything I had written on my perfect guy checklist. It was love at first sight. 6 months later, with $100 in the bank and no clue about our future, we were married. After 2 years of the sweet life, we decided to start trying for a baby. I was a firm believer that the Lord would send us a baby, so ovulation tests or counting days was pointless. However, that faith didn’t last very long. After 1 long year of trying, we decided to pray together for patience, guidance and comfort. To our surprise, our immediate answer was ‘not right now.’
So, I decided to go get checked. This way, I would be ready for when we decide to try again. When I spoke to my doctor, he said I had thyroid problems and a serious Vitamin D deficiency. He then referred me to another doctor so we could work on my thyroids. He did however mention that since my bones were so brittle, great damaged could have happened if I would have gotten pregnant. Wesley and I looked at each other and were glad we listened to the prompting to hold.
Wesley had a great job so we moved from our broken newlywed title to a more mature stature of ‘savings account kind of kids.’ So we thought, what the heck, let’s give it another try! Wesley was all for it of course. So we tried for nearly 2 years. In those 2 years I was diagnosed with PCOS and gained weight. A lot of fluffy weight. I was getting poked every 3 weeks to test my levels until one day, the nurse could not find my vein.
I clearly remember walking out trying to hold my tears in. My heart couldn’t take No’s anymore. I sat in my car sobbing. I hit the steering wheel a few times and just laid my head on it while I just let everything out. I became so angry.
I remember thinking, as a devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, why wouldn’t God give me a baby? After all, is that not His plan? I went to church 3 hours every Sunday, I was a good person and I even paid my tithing. I wasn’t asking for a new car or new shoes to go on clearance… I was asking for something so easy and simple. He could just click his fingers and make my cysts go away. Why wouldn’t he just do that? I started to go into a hole I wish no one ever comes close to. I started to question my faith and everything I had believed in. Then one afternoon, I came home and fell asleep. And this dream changed my life.
I was at my house and it was in the middle of the night, there was a baby crying inconsolably. I saw myself in the kitchen, desperate to prepare my baby’s bottle. I was trying to put everything together fast, but the baby’s cry was louder and louder. I remember whispering, ‘it’s ok, shhh, it’s coming. I’m getting it nice and warm for you so it tastes better.’ While still asleep, I realized I was the baby, crying and crying for that feeding. Then I looked over and realized the other person must have been our Heavenly Father. And He was telling me the exact same words symbolically.
‘Vanessa, hold on. I’m getting this blessing ready for you. Just hold on, I’m coming.’
When I woke up, everything felt different. There was this sense of peace and comfort knowing that God had not forgotten about me. So with my renewed faith, we decided to try again, but this time with patience and waiting on the Lord to play his part.
Last year, October 2018, my husband had asked me to schedule a doctor’s appointment for him, which was rare since he never asks for something like that. He had told me he found a hard mass on his right testicle and needed to get it checked out immediately. We scheduled for the following week and we both went in. ‘The doctor will see you now,’ the receptionist said. Once in the room, the doctor confirmed the news. ‘You have testicular cancer. We need to remove the testicle in a matter of days to avoid spreading,’ he told my husband.
My heart sunk in and I sat down. Wesley was comforting me, as if I was the one with cancer. I snapped out of it and hugged him tight. In my heart I said, ‘Him? Out of everyone, he gets cancer?’ It took a lot to avoid asking in my head, ‘What else will we take?’ I had come to accept I was not meant to lead and live an easy life. I knew if Wesley was all I had in this life, I would be so happy. A few weeks later, he went under surgery and had the testicle removed. He is now in remission.
We decided to travel to Brazil and we stayed there for about 4 days. I was in our small Airbnb when I received a text from my sister-in-law. ‘Have you ever considered adoption? I have a friend looking to place,’ she wrote. I was alone when I read this and I smiled big and said to myself, ‘I wish!’ (Wesley had expressed to me before that he wanted to keep trying).
Still, I thought I’d bring it up to him. When he came home, I hugged him and pulled him close to show him the text. He just smiled and nodded. The expectant mother was 6 months along and was expecting a little boy.
Once again, we fell to our knees and prayed for guidance and gratitude. We couldn’t believe this was where our journey was going. When we got back, we met with her and we fell in love with who she was and how much her love for this boy was. We knew this was the blessing we were prepared for all along. To give this little boy the life he deserves, with a newly converted mother and a faithful father.
We know this adoption is not coincidence. We never applied to adopt so we know our son picked us. My attorney was amazed at our story and reminded us how blessed we were since couples wait many months to be matched.
The birth mom let us be in the room when he was born, and that moment was so magical and sacred. As soon as they took precious baby boy to be weighed, I approached her, kissed her hand, and said, ‘He is here.’ We both smiled at each other as tears fell from our eyes.
My life is complete. Now, when I hold him, everything makes sense. All the negative pregnancy tests and miscarriages were all part of my story, so I could give all my love to Logan.
Accepting the fact that my life is not meant to be easy makes me glad that I am made for more. I was not built to fight easy, predictable battles. In every trial we have pushed through, it has molded me into my baby’s mother. My son’s strength and my son’s best friend.
As a little girl, I would stuff my shirt to pretend I was pregnant. If only that little girl knew how much more she will be getting out of this life. Those countless hours of role playing was as close as I would get to that life, and although my son did not grow inside of me, he had been growing in my heart a long time ago. That’s a role I never thought I would play, but this is the best plot twist in my story.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Vanessa and Wesley MacIver of Florence, Arizona. You can follow their journey on Instagram. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.
Read more inspiring adoption stories:
Help us show compassion is contagious. SHARE this beautiful story on Facebook with your friends and family.