Disclaimer: This story contains details and images of child loss that may be triggering to some.
“February 29th, 2020. A Leap Year, or, to us, another typical Saturday. I woke up and made breakfast, and then we were headed to Cars and Coffee, like we do every Saturday morning. After breakfast, I sat on the couch seeing if Whitley would move around and play with me. I waited about 30 minutes and then expressed my concerns to Dylan when I didn’t feel her move around—we decided to skip out on Cars and Coffee and just hang out at home instead. An hour went by and she still didn’t move, so we decided to go for a walk to see if it would wake her up. We drove to the beach and didn’t walk but maybe 50 yards. I felt uneasy and started having what I thought were Braxton Hicks contractions. We drove back home where I called my doctor. They suggested I head into the nearest emergency room.
We drove 20 minutes to the nearest hospital where the ER staff warmly greeted us and asked if it was time to have the baby. They wheeled us up to labor and delivery, placed us in a room, and a nurse instructed me to change into a gown and lay on the bed. She came back in shortly and tried to find her heartbeat. No words were spoken, but she did this for what seemed like forever. My husband and I made eye contact and immediately knew something was wrong. The nurse hurried off and said, ‘Let me go get a doctor.’ The on-call doctor came in, did an ultrasound, and almost immediately said those six words no parent ever wants to hear: ‘I’m sorry, but there’s no heartbeat.’ I screamed, ‘No, you’re wrong! Are you sure?’ She said yes, apologized, and told us to take as much time as we needed.
We immediately called home (my husband is in the military and we’re stationed 1,400 miles away from our families) and asked everyone we knew to start praying for us. Praying for a miracle. Praying just to survive. I ask my husband to go get the doctor so I could ask her what’s next. I needed a plan. I wanted to control what I had no control over. She told me I had to deliver her. The same person who told me my baby had died was now telling me I also had to deliver her. She can’t take my baby from me! I didn’t want to have to deliver her. I thought if I could keep her inside of me, if I could just keep carrying her, then maybe she’d be okay. But I had no choice. Both our moms booked the first flight out they found, but it didn’t leave until the next morning. We made the decision to go home and be induced the next evening once our moms could be there. We made it back to our house around 6:30 p.m., and I went to her nursery and cried for the baby I wouldn’t get to bring home.
All on its own, my body was preparing itself to deliver our daughter. I lost my mucus plug around 9 p.m. and thought I should try to get some rest. I lay down, with my contractions now coming two minutes apart. My hip started to ache and I thought to myself maybe if I roll over, I’ll be more comfortable. Before I rolled over, I hesitated because I just felt like my water was going to break if I moved. I don’t know why I thought that, it’s like God whispered to me and told me it was going to happen. I decided to go ahead and roll over, and as soon as I did my water broke. I looked at my phone, it was just past 11 p.m., and I nudged Dylan to tell him what happened. He flew out of bed, ready to take care of me. My heart hurt, knowing that what was supposed to be the best day of our lives is now the worst.
When we arrived at the hospital, the ER staff eagerly greeted us again, not knowing what we knew…It’s was midnight (March 1st, 2020). They put a purple heart on our door to signal we lost a child. Everyone who came in tiptoed around me, not knowing what to say. Our nurse explained the process and how everything would work. What she didn’t explain was how I was going to get through this. I told her I wanted to have a natural birth (no medication) and she said, ‘Are you sure?’ I said, ‘If this is my fault in any way and I caused this, I want to feel the pain.’ She let me labor with no medication. Every nurse after her asked the same thing. For the next 17 hours, my husband never left my side. He was my hands and my feet. He physically moved me when I couldn’t because of the grief and exhaustion. I’ve never seen the love of Jesus more than through the man I love on that day and the weeks which followed.
Our moms arrived at 11:30 a.m., and as soon as they walked through the door we hugged, sat, and cried together—for our broken hearts, for our daughter, for our mothers/new grandmothers, for the life we had imagined. My doctor came in around 3:30 p.m., checked my cervix, and said, ‘It’s time to push!’ The staff hurried around the room getting everything set up. The pain was so intense they had to physically put my legs up in the bed in order to push. While I labored long, my delivery was very quick. I pushed three times and out she came at 3:59 p.m. Part of me thought they had got it wrong, she would come out crying, but she didn’t. Only silence filled the room.
3 pounds, 15 ounces, and 18 inches long. So perfect in every way. They told me I could go home that night but I chose to stay. I wanted to spend every minute I could with my baby. I didn’t sleep much. I woke up often, confused, and not knowing where I was. I soon remembered and all of the emotions came back while I lay there crying. The next day we spent the morning with worship music on, singing to our daughter, rocking her, cleaning her up ever so gently, and taking many pictures we’ll have to look back on. We miss her so much, but we find comfort in knowing the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was the face of Jesus. I love you, Whitley Grace.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Katelyn Freeman. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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