‘She didn’t even say hello. ‘I hate to be the one to tell you this.’ I was too shocked to cry. What if he gets tired of my ‘sick’ body?’: Newlywed diagnosed with stage three breast cancer, beats it twice, ‘We find ways to celebrate’

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“Once upon a time, on New Year’s Eve in 2016, a man and woman got married in Charleston, South Carolina. They celebrated their new marriage with bubbling champagne, the liveliest dance party the South has ever seen, and the best late-night pizza Charleston had to offer. They left their wedding on a pedicab, ready to take on the world together! They had a new house, a new dog, and great jobs waiting for them when they got back to Georgia. What could go wrong? Well, remember the whole, ‘In sickness and in health’ thing people say when they get married? I had no idea it would be the first vow tested after getting married. Six weeks after we got married, I received a phone call from my doctor. After getting my annual exam done, a mammogram, and biopsy, it never even occurred to me I would get a phone call like this. I will never forget where I was. I had just gotten home from work. It was around 5:15 p.m. I walked through my house to let the dog out and my phone rang. She didn’t even say hello. She said, ‘Mrs. O’Connor, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but all of the tests we ran indicate you have breast cancer.’ Wait, what? I just turned 30 a week ago. Are you sure?

Courtesy of Whitney O’Connor

To be completely honest, I had never even heard of women getting breast cancer, unless they were over 60. I exercise and take care of myself. I eat and drink the right things 75% of the time. Why would someone like me get stage three breast cancer?
I was too shocked to cry. Instead, I just paced outside and tried to figure out a way to tell him. The new husband, that is. But how in the world was I supposed to tell him he married a sick woman instead of a healthy one? How was I supposed to tell him the life we envisioned was going to look different than we thought? As I continued to pace and think about the words to say, I heard the car door close. He was home. Crap! The tears finally made their way from the other side of my eyes out into the world as he opened the back door to greet me. I looked at him and he knew. He just knew. I didn’t say a word. I didn’t have to. He saw my tears and said, ‘I’m so sorry babe.’ We held each other out on the patio until I was brave enough to look at him in the face again. Once the tears stopped between the two of us, I remember thinking, ‘That may have been one of the hardest moments of my life.’

Courtesy of Whitney O’Connor

It was the first of many hard moments. Now it was time to tell my family. The last thing I wanted was to be responsible for their tears, their need to pray, and their worry. How was I supposed to tell them, ‘Hey, guess what guys…we have to do this cancer stuff all over again.’ You see, we lost my Dad in 2015 to a glioblastoma brain tumor, which is the most aggressive type of brain cancer you can have. The prognosis was not good. My family and I took care of him for almost two years. He lasted longer than most. The fears began to set in. Would I last two years? Is my husband going to be left alone like my mother was? Would my mother have to deal with another death so soon?

Because my breast cancer was progressing rapidly, we had to get going on treatment immediately. Instead of using our wedding gift cards to buy things most newly married couples buy, like plates, silverware, and bedding, we were buying chemotherapy supplies: surgery pillows and anything with ginger in it. Educating ourselves seemed to minimize our anxiety about it all, because we had a rough idea of what to expect. We had a plan, which created some relief. The plan was to have chemotherapy, followed by a double mastectomy. I was doing what they asked me to do (for the most part), and my husband was getting his ‘doctorate degree’ in breast cancer. Knowledge became his weapon of choice and prepping became mine. The plan was working, and by the time I had my first chemotherapy treatment, we felt like we knew everything there was to know about boobs. Then I got my genetic testing results back.

My medical team conducted genetic testing to see if I carried the BRCA1 or BRCA2 genes. The good news was I didn’t. Then there was the bad news. It turns out I have a rare genetic disorder called Li-Fraumeni Syndrome. I didn’t fully understand what this meant for me until I started Googling it. What a mistake. I felt like I did moments before I had to tell my husband and family I had cancer, all over again. This genetic disorder (which I still can’t spell without spellcheck) is known as the ‘cancer gene.’ Basically, the T-cells in my body are not operating like a normal person’s do, to screen and filter the bad cells out. So, the probability of cancer showing up in my life again and again is quite high. ‘Great…’ I thought. And the hits just keep on coming. Because of this disorder, I will be scanned, tested, poked, and prodded for the rest of my life. Sounds fun, right?

With this realization, I was less concerned about myself and more concerned about my marriage and what my future will actually look like. Guilt came over every waking hour and even showed up in my dreams. This is certainly not the kind of wife I wanted to be, or even imagined for myself. What if there is more ‘sickness’ in the ‘in sickness and in health’ part of the vow? What if we are consumed with medical bills? What if I died before we even got to celebrate our 10 year anniversary? What if our whole marriage is consumed with dread and anxiety over what problems we’re going to have next? What if he gets tired of looking at my ‘sick’ body all the time? What if he’s better off with someone else who will live longer?

Courtesy of Whitney O’Connor

Neither one of us signed up to deal with cancer for the rest of our lives. So, where do we go from here? When I heard the words ‘You have cancer,’ sirens went off in my brain. My heart became heavy and my anxiety was constantly stuck in my throat. But my husband, he didn’t hear sirens. He heard a bell. You know, like the one you hear in a boxing ring? He fought for me, with me, beside me, and through me. There aren’t enough words existing in the human language which can adequately express the love, respect, and joy I feel for this husband of mine. Our friendship started in college, when I was 19 years old. I spent the majority of our friendship trying to find him a girlfriend, because I thought he was so amazing! Then one day, when I was 26, our eyes changed and we saw each other differently. We’ve been together ever since.

The best way I can describe how I feel about him is to compare the feeling to Christmas morning. For me, Christmas morning has always been a source of pure joy, excitement, and wonder. I can remember almost every Christmas morning I’ve had since I was a little girl. I remember trying so, so hard to stay awake on Christmas Eve so I could sneak and see Santa lay out all of the presents. Chace is my Christmas present I get to open all the time. Will Li-Fraumeni Syndrome take away my presents? One day, I finally had the courage to approach Chace with my concerns. This is what he told me: ‘Whitney, would you be willing to take all of your problems and put them in a bag with 1,000 other strangers? Then reach into the bag and exchange your problems for theirs?’ I had to really think about this…I started thinking about all the good things in my life I wouldn’t trade for anything. Ultimately, I said to him, ‘No. I wouldn’t.’ And he said, ‘Yeah, me neither. We’re going to get through this the same way we started, by celebrating.’

Courtesy of Whitney O’Connor

Since that day, my fears have turned into gratitude. I’ve beaten breast cancer twice now since we’ve gotten married and I STILL wouldn’t trade my circumstances with anyone else. I’ve been in treatment more than not since we said ‘I do.’ When my guilt of being a ‘sick’ wife sneaks in, I remind myself to not let the worries of the next scan, the next treatment, or the next ‘you have cancer again’ phone call to ruin today. I don’t feel like our love is unique. I don’t feel like we are ‘lucky’ to have one another. I really don’t. Instead, I am grateful. Truly grateful. I feel like this is how it’s supposed to be. Every marriage has their trials, challenges, and burdens which they have to deal with, but it’s not work to me. It’s my happy place. Our burden we carry happens to be cancer. It turns out I was someone who was ready to take on cancer, he was someone who was ready to watch, and we are people who celebrate through it all.

Courtesy of Whitney O’Connor

We decided we would get through our marriage the same way we started it, by celebrating. There aren’t many silver linings to cancer. So we decide, everyday, to create our own, big or small. We adopted the titles Boobie Queen and Boobie King to remind ourselves to eat dessert first and treat ourselves well. We even started a one-for-one business called The Boobie Queen Company, to show others how to do just that. We sell and donate Boobie Crowns to Boobie Queens who have been affected by breast cancer. The ultimate goal is to remind the other Boobie Queens out there they were strong before cancer, and they will be strong during and after cancer just the same. Because there will be more sirens going off. There will be more tragedies which will shake us. And when they do, this Boobie Queen and her Boobie King will find ways to celebrate through the chaos and through cancer. Again and again.”

Courtesy of Whitney O’Connor
Courtesy of Whitney O’Connor

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Whitney O’Connor. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

Read more inspiring stories from cancer warriors:

‘Go have a good weekend because it’s not good news.’ Deep down, I was freaking out. I was so new to cancer.’: Woman beats breast cancer, welcomes 2 miracle babies, ‘I am a survivor’

‘You have 5 years to live.’ It was the first time I ever saw my husband cry.’: Mother diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer advocates for research, encourages ‘camaraderie and healing’

‘My mommy has a sick boobie.’ The technician looked confused. I was mortified. ‘You don’t have to pay.’: Mom diagnosed with cancer during pandemic thanks community for acts of ‘kindness’

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