‘It was like poison to my body, killing me from the inside out. I wasn’t prepared for the ache of failure when we just couldn’t figure out what was hurting you.’: Woman pens touching letter to child after struggle with postpartum depression

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“To My Son.

My sweet, spirited little boy. My little rebel. So tough, yet so sensitive.

You and me. We haven’t had it easy.

I’ll never forget the endless loop of sleepless nights. Or the hours of screaming that turned into days. And the days that turned into weeks.

I’ll never forget the postpartum depression and anxiety so severe, I swore it was like poison to my body, killing me from the inside out. Or the ache of helplessness and failure when we just couldn’t figure out what was hurting you.

I’ll never forget the frustration in your eyes when you realized we couldn’t understand what you needed. Or the frustration and pain in my heart watching you struggle.

I’ll never forget the tears. The meltdowns. The non-stop spit-up that still stains your nursery.

We begged the universe for you. We stressed for so long trying to bring you into this world.

You would be our last but, in many ways, you are just like our first. The day you were born and I first held you in my arms, I knew my circle was finally complete.

You are the missing link. The end of a cycle and at the start of a beautiful new beginning.

I wasn’t prepared for what was to follow. I wasn’t prepared for the pain and the torture your first months of life would bring.

Neither were you and for that, my heart broke. Watching you struggle, while every limit I had was being pushed far past the breaking point. Watching myself struggle through it all, my body falling apart from the stress and sleep deprivation.

I’ll never forget it.

I also know I will never forget how your tiny hands reached to touch my face, as if to say, ‘It’s okay Mommy, I love you,’ even in the worst of your frustrations.

I’ll never forget pacing you — back and forth, back and forth — across your room, telling you how much I love you while watching you drift asleep peacefully.

Or the way you stare at me in the middle of the night, when you just want to be close to me. Your eyes say so much more than words ever could.

I’ll never forget the way light up when you see your daddy. Or how those strong, little hands inspect everything they hold with such intense curiosity.

I’ll never forget how those cries and screams turned to silence when I sang to you. Or how every single bottle required an excessive amount of singing your favorite songs for you to eat.

I’ll never forget the little baby noises you made when we first held you in our arms. Or the way you knew exactly what you wanted, no matter how peculiar or specific, from the moment you came out of the womb.

I’ll never forget the way you follow me into the bathroom and cling to my leg because you just don’t want to be away for too long.

A moment of peace is hard to come by in our home lately.

But when the day comes that you are too cool and too busy for your mom, I hope I never forget those moments. Those tiny little moments that mean so much and etch themselves into my soul.

The hard moments will likely never be fond memories, but they will serve as a reminder of all we have overcome together. Every single one was so incredibly worth it.

My beautiful, sweet son, I hope you know just how much you are loved and how hard I try to be the best mommy I can be for you.

I will fail, I will fall, and I will stumble at times. I’m going to mess up. See, we parents… we all do. We really have no idea what we are doing.

But I promise you, I will pick myself up from those inevitable tough moments and I will try harder next time.

I will learn from my mistakes and I will teach you the same. I hope my love for you is enough to cover you, never leaving you to question it or yourself.

I am so proud of you and everything you are.

We have been given the extraordinary task, yet incredible gift, to raise you into the amazing man I know you will be.

I will do my best to show you all of your gifts and, along with Daddy, be your Earth guides, leading you by example, teaching you and allowing you to be all that you already are.

So many more moments lie ahead of us and there is so much left to learn.

But I just hope you never forget those little moments. The laughs, the tickles, the sleepless nights, the quick but quietly beautiful moments of blissful cuddles, the struggles to get any diapers or clothes on you… all of it.

When life takes you to all the amazing places I know you will go, I hope you always remember just how much I love you and no matter where you are or what you are doing, a little piece of me will always be with you.

For you, my son, are the miracle none of us deserve. You are, always and forever, the light in my heart.”

Courtesy Christina Feldermann

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Christina Feldermann, 35, of Michigan. Follow her journey on Instagram hereDo you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

Read more stories from Christina here: 

‘You’re the girl who cries on her way to work but walks in with a smile on her face. The girl who never asks for help.’: Woman reminds us ‘there is no shame in being vulnerable’

‘She called the police on me while in my dorm because I didn’t text her back soon enough. I finally committed to cutting her out of my life, for good.’: Woman says narcissist mother ‘showed me everything I do not want to be’

‘I am a daughter of a mother who alienated me from my father, erasing him from my life. My story is never told, the story that gets ignored.’: Woman details the effects of parental alienation

‘I’d get married at Taco Bell and wear a piece of string around my finger if it meant spending the rest of my life with the person I adore.’: After abusive relationship, woman says marriage isn’t about material possessions.

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