“My life is so much bigger than me, and is in the hands of someone much wiser than I. So as painful and heart wrenching as it may seem at times, I cling to the promises that I know are true.
That God is Good,
And that He is in control.
This season of life is messy, and still unhealed. It’s accompanied with sleepless nights, crying until I have no tears, struggling with denial, and clinging desperately to a half-made blanket that was supposed to wrap around Her…
I found out I lost my precious baby at 12 ½ weeks….
Nothing can prepare you for that kind of feeling. There are no words that can quiet the insanity in your soul at that moment. I felt like desperately screaming until I couldn’t breathe.
‘NO!! Not MY baby!!!’
You go through every single thing you’ve done in your mind up until that moment to try to find the one thing you did to allow this to happen.
‘It’s not your fault,’ doctors will say. ‘It just happens sometimes.’
But those words just went in one ear and out the other.
The day I found out I lost my baby was the most agonizing day I’ve ever experienced. It’s hard to put into words what was felt, but the main things that come to mind are panic, desperation, and complete emptiness…
On December 1st, 2016, I lost my child.
It was a normal Thursday, Seth and I were getting ready for work. I made an appointment that morning to come into the hospital to hear her heartbeat. The evening before, I had tripped and wanted to be extra sure that my baby was still okay. Over the phone the nurses had repeated over and over that everything was probably fine and that a little trip wouldn’t hurt the baby. This being my first child, I wasn’t completely convinced, but was reassured that she was most likely fine. They told us to come in to hear her heartbeat so our nerves could settle.
I remember driving to the hospital squeezing Seth’s hand, being SO thrilled to hear our baby’s little heartbeat for the first time. With huge smiles on our faces and excitement in our eyes, we eagerly checked in and waited for our name to be called.
The doctor asked a few questions. ‘No bleeding?’
‘Well your little one should be just fine, let’s take a listen to the heartbeat.’
I eagerly jumped up on the bed, smiling ear to ear.
As the doctor searched for several minutes she finally said with a nervous grin, ‘Let me get a different machine.’
While the next machine still wasn’t picking up anything, she sent us to a different room with a high quality ultrasound. I felt a little worried but, like the doctor said, I had no bleeding and no severe cramping so nothing should really be wrong…
The nurse pulled up the picture, from the ultrasound, of my sweet little baby growing inside of me.
‘Oh thank God!’ I started crying, ‘My baby’s okay, my baby is still in me. She’s okay. She looks so perfect, so tiny and perfect.’
I looked up at Seth with tears of joy in my eyes and said, ‘That’s our baby honey, she’s okay, she’s right there!’
I was surprised to not see that same look of joy in his eyes…
‘I’m so sorry……,’ the nurse said.
‘What?…,’ I said, very confused.
‘I can’t find a heartbeat.’
……. My heart stopped………
‘I don’t understand?…,’ I said, through tears of anger and confusion.
‘I’m so sorry, it looks like her heart stopped beating close to a week ago.’
I became mute. I became numb.
I felt paralyzed. ‘What does that even MEAN?!’ I thought, ‘That’s impossible…. I – I see my baby right there. She’s right there in front of me!! She’s inside of me! How DARE you tell me that! She’s RIGHT THERE! I SEE her!!’
I physically couldn’t speak. I heard ringing in my ears and nothing else. I felt like screaming but everything in me was too numb to even move or make a sound.
Seth squeezed my hand and began to weep.
I looked back at the ultrasound with tears streaming down my face and thought, ‘You look so perfect, my baby… so perfect and cozy. This can’t be true… I love you SO much sweet baby.’
I was so confused and yet part of me understood, but that part was trying so desperately to be in denial. If I was in denial, then maybe it wouldn’t be true. Maybe we can pretend like this didn’t happen and just go back home. ‘This CAN’T be true,’ I thought. ‘My baby is right there! I feel her!’
The days that followed were excruciating. I chose to not have a dilation and curettage (D&C) at that time, and tried to comprehend what all had happened. Walking around trying to make myself understand that my baby is dead but still Inside of me, that my body is still trying to provide for her, that I still look and feel pregnant, and that now I’m just supposed to wait… Wait until I start bleeding and ‘give birth’ to her body, never actually getting to meet her or hold her…
How is someone supposed to stay sane through that?!
I was completely and utterly a mess. I was more broken than I realized was even possible. Nothing made sense.
Through all of the heartache and brokenness, deep down, I knew that God was still good and still in control, but I couldn’t bring myself to pursue him and press into him during that time. I was so mad and hurt that he allowed my baby’s life to be taken from me. I didn’t want to read his word, I didn’t want to pray to him, I didn’t want to do anything. I just couldn’t bring myself to understand how or why this would happen.
Through my hurt and stubborn heart, he taught me SO many incredible truths about himself… THROUGH my rebellion.
He STILL pursued me when I was actively not trying to seek him. He STILL brought me unexplainable peace when I was turning my back. He STILL brought joy to my heart in the midst of my pain. He STILL wrapped his arms around me and reminded me of his love.
What kind of LOVE is this?!
I had never felt God’s constant and faithful LOVE like this, through my defiant heart. What kind of love DOES that….
In the midst of my pain I felt his peace and was reminded of random verse he put in my head, reminding me of his plan for my life and his love for me and of ALL life.
That’s a kind of love I don’t deserve.
Constant and steady.
I was reminded of Psalm 139, that God’s presence never leaves you, even when you may not feel it. I was reminded that God carefully wove my child in my womb, that her days were already written in his book, and that he had a perfect and good plan for everything he allows to happen. I was reminded that because of JESUS I would get to be in heaven and be reunited with my daughter.
I was reminded that all of life belongs to God, to give and to take away. He didn’t have to let me experience the miracle of life growing inside of me, but he did. And regardless of what happens next in life, I will never forget that feeling, and will always be SO thankful for the joy I got to experience with her in me.
He didn’t have to let me participate in that joy, he didn’t have to let me see pictures of her growing, he didn’t have to comfort my heart, he didn’t have to bring me unexplainable peace, he didn’t have to do ANYTHING.
But he DID.
I deserved none of that.
God’s Will is so much greater than anything we could ever ask for or imagine, even if it may not make any sense to our feeble eyes in the moment. Therefore, I will pray for not my will but YOURS be done.
God’s promises became so true to me in the depths of my suffering.
I don’t pretend to know why this happened, I don’t pretend to be completely healed. All I know is that I was in immense suffering, and Christ brought me unfathomable peace.
I think the point of suffering is to point us to God, not away. We miss the whole point when we become fixated on us and this moment, with our agenda. I think Christ wants to do so much more through us than we could ever think.
While my heart still weighs so heavy for the baby I was never able to hold, I cling to the promises that I know are true.
That God is still good.
And he is still in control.
Therefore, not My will but Yours be done…”
Give other moms strength and courage who are continuing to struggle. SHARE this story on Facebook or Twitter.