“‘Our baby boy is in heaven,’ I said to my husband as he held my hand tightly, his eyes welling up with tears. This was not supposed to happen. It was September 2017, and our baby wasn’t due till February 2018. We were not supposed to find out the gender of our baby this way. I was supposed to have a 20-week ultrasound scan the coming Monday, and then we would have a gender reveal party. Instead, here we were on a Wednesday morning at the emergency room.
Our baby boy was born silently at 19 weeks and 3 days, at home. An ambulance had to rush me to the emergency, where I had to deliver the placenta there. Now, here I was lying in the hospital with an empty womb. The drive home was so hard. I gave birth but was leaving empty handed. I felt so empty. My heart was broken, and my baby was gone. I just wanted to go home and hold and kiss my 2-year-old son.
The loss of a pregnancy was one of the hardest things I have gone through. I felt so alone. No one was able to understand how I felt. I would look in the mirror and not recognize myself. I would just lay and cry all day. At night I would cry out to God: ‘WHY? WHY ME? WHY DO OTHERS GET TO HAVE THEIR BABY? WHY DID MY BABY HAVE TO DIE?’ When others heard about our loss, I did get so much support. So many sweet messages were sent from family and friends. People wrote: ‘I am praying for you’; ‘You are in my thoughts’; ‘Sorry for your loss’; ‘Thinking about you.’ After my loss I went on the internet and read other women’s stories of their loss. Reading their experiences comforted me in knowing I was not alone. I would watch vlogs of women who shared their miscarriage story.
Even though I was so devastated and in mourning, I had so much peace that my baby was in heaven. My faith helped me, and God gave me so much comfort. We decided to name our angel baby Noah, which means ‘rest’ and ‘comfort.’ In memory of our son, I bought a big plant called a ‘Dragon tree’ that sits in our living room.
I decided to be open on social media about my loss. I wanted to share my story with others. I knew if I talked about my loss it would help me and it could also help others. I shared my miscarriage story on YouTube, and so many women wrote to me that they also lost their baby at a similar time frame. So many women wrote ‘Thank you for sharing.’
‘I want to try for another baby,’ I told my husband about a month later. I was so scared to be pregnant again, but I felt like having another baby would heal my broken heart. After 2 months, in December, right before the Christmas holidays, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! I felt fear creep in, but I was also so happy we were pregnant! The first 3 months were hard. I had so much fear and worry. I did not know what to expect. At night I couldn’t sleep, and I felt fearful of any ache or pain I had. Sometimes I would cry at night, fearing I would miscarry again. I could not share our joyful news because I was scared we would lose our baby again. I would not be able to bear telling everyone that we miscarried again.
The first time I heard the heartbeat was a big relief. ‘The baby’s heart sounds good,’ my midwife told me. But the fear of losing the baby was still there. When I was finally 20 weeks pregnant and had the ultrasound done, so much of my anxiety go away. When I saw our sweet baby moving on the screen, I felt like I could breathe again. After that, I started to feel our baby kick. The gender was going to be a surprise so we had no idea who it would be. Every day I would wait for a kick and felt so much peace with each movement. I was finally able to believe this baby would live. I was able to let myself enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.
At 26 weeks, I had the courage to announce we were expecting our rainbow baby. I posted a sweet video on my YouTube channel announcing our pregnancy, and that we were expecting our precious rainbow baby in August. Every month my belly grew bigger, and I would wake up from hard baby kicks. I was getting swollen and tired, but every day I was thankful for every kick I felt. I would sit, rub my belly, and feel so close and connected to the baby.
On August 11, 2018, I gave birth to another baby boy! We named him James Alexander. He has filled up our lives with so much joy and has healed our broken hearts. Every day when I look at him, I call him my sweet sunshine and my rainbow. Some people ask me what a rainbow baby is. A rainbow baby is a baby born shortly after the loss of a previous baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or death. The name is given to these special babies, because a rainbow typically follows a storm, giving us hope of what’s to come.
Every day when I am in my living room playing with my busy 3-year-old son and holding my 6-month-old baby boy, I look at the dragon tree and remember our angel baby. Even though I have only 2 boys with me at home, I consider myself to be a mom of 3 boys: Luca, our firstborn; Noah, our angel baby in heaven; and James, our precious rainbow baby.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Vera Davydenko of Canada. You can follow her motherhood journey on YouTube and Instagram. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here, and subscribe to our best stories in our free newsletter here.
Read another mom’s touching grief journey:
‘I pick up a pink sock from under the couch. Suddenly I sink to my knees. I try to smell her on the sock, hold it to my heart and scream, ‘COME BACK TO ME! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE!’
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