“My husband Derek and I have been together for 16 years. We married young and had so many plans for our future. We always knew we wanted a family but being so young we decided to wait a few years. I finished Nursing school in 2010 and that was the perfect time for us to start family planning. It wasn’t but a few months in that we realized there were issues. It was so difficult for me to understand, our friends and family were having no issues getting pregnant, but we were. Seeing everyone so excited and happy was very difficult for myself, attending and planning baby showers for everyone else when all we wanted was one for ourselves.
We began fertility treatments early 2010. About a month in, I was pregnant. That was easy right? But at exactly 12 weeks to the day, I began to miscarry the baby at home. I decided to wait it out, as bleeding isn’t always necessarily a for sure sign of miscarriage. I was wrong, and things went from zero to sixty in a matter of an hour. I delivered our sweet baby, all alone, at home. I thought this was the worst day of my life, but I would come to find this was only the beginning. I wasn’t very open about the miscarriage, everyone around us was having babies and I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for us or feel like they shouldn’t come around. It really is a struggle; you are so happy for others but so broken inside for yourself. We waited a few months and decided we needed to see a specialist. We went to our appointment and loved our fertility doctor and felt very comfortable with the game plan. So back to the meds and timed everything we went.
Our first IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) was a breeze. I was optimistic that all we needed was a little help and things would be great. And my gosh they were! Around day 18 after the IUI our pregnancy test came back positive and I had all the signs of pregnancy. In fact, I had major signs of pregnancy. And that was because there were THREE! I remember the first time I looked at the screen and saw three babies. As a nurse I have pretty good knowledge of basic ultrasound images, so I picked up quickly. But hearing the doctor talk about each on and counting as he found them was like a dream. It was like I was getting all my babies back at once. We were told to come back around 12 weeks to see if they were all still there and growing appropriately. At the appointment, all three babies were there, having their own circus and growing just right. We were told I would be high risk, which we anticipated, but were also asked if we would be willing to consider selection reduction. Basically, injecting one of the sacs and eliminating one of the babies. I was perplexed, out of my mind mad that anyone would ever suggest something so terrible. I wanted nothing to do with it and we left. They were all babies, my babies. I wanted them all.
I remember sharing the news with our friends and family, finally having the pure joy and excitement I have always longed for. We were so excited and nervous at the same time. The weeks went on and I began to have some issues that weren’t too uncommon for multiples, but enough that would land me on bedrest at 15 weeks. At our 17-week appointment we found out that not one, not two, but all three babies were girls! All of them in their own sacs and had their own placentas. In the back of my mind I was very worried but tried to stay positive and remember thinking if I could just make it to 26 weeks, we have a chance.
At 20 weeks I was admitted to the hospital where I would stay until the babies were born. One night I had a small amount of fluid noted on my sheets. The nurses at the hospital assured me it must have been an accident since nothing was continuous and I had no pain. I listened and didn’t think anything of it. Huge mistake. Not 24 hours later, on February 28, 2011, I was delirious and with a fever, developing Chorioamnionitis from an untreated ruptured sac. Once again, alone at the hospital over an hour from my family, I had to deliver. Macy Ryan was born stillborn. My husband arrived 7 minutes after her birth and I will never forget the look on his face. Our entire family and friends joined us as I delivered Makenna Reid and Morgan Ray. I was 24 weeks, and there was nothing anyone could do. They were perfect, beautiful and lived for 4 hours. We spent the day holding them and rocking them. That day, was the worst day of our lives. Depression, anxiety and anger set in, and I secluded myself from everyone. I have still yet to find the words to express that day and how I handled it. Even after 7 years it is still so very raw.
We waited almost a year and decided we had to try again. With the help of my parents we were able to afford Invitro Fertilization. That process was so scary and so painful, but it worked. I found out I was pregnant February 28, 2012, the triplets’ first birthday, with our son Logan. He was born 5 weeks early in September but is now a healthy almost 6-year-old! He is everything we have ever dreamed of. I thank God for him every day. He saved my life.
Unfortunately, at the young age of 28 I had to undergo surgery for a hysterectomy. It was the worst feeling knowing I would never be able to carry a child again. But that didn’t stop our want for more children. We started the adoption process early 2015. And we waited for over 2 years for a call. My husband and I were contemplating pulling out of the adoption because the wait was so long, and I kept thinking maybe this would never happen, but it did.
It was a Wednesday night, I missed a call from the agency. The voicemail stated a baby had been born about a week prior and we met the criteria for placement. I was speechless. I called my husband hysterically crying. It took me about 10 minutes to calm down enough for him to understand. The next day we met with the agency and listened as they told the birth story of our son, OUR SON! We had less than a 24-hour notice to gather things for him. If we could see the security footage at Walmart of us mad dashing around it would be priceless! The night before we went to pick him up we talked with Logan about his new brother. I was so nervous and scared. What if we couldn’t love him like we do our first, what if it isn’t a good fit, so many what ifs. I prayed about it, and decided this was our plan, our journey, what was supposed to be. Logan was so excited and asked if he could name is baby brother Owen. This was seriously the sweetest thing ever!
The drive over was the longest. I remember walking in the door and feeling so anxious. My poor husband could barely open the door he was so nervous. The moment the social worker placed him in my arms I immediately felt as if I delivered him myself. I knew in my heart he was ours. The perfect piece to our puzzle. I felt love for him just as I did with my first son. There was no difference, none. We were in heaven. Owen is such a sweet baby. He loves his big brother so much and is momma’s snuggle buddy. We love watching him grow and couldn’t imagine our lives without him!
Logan loves to set off balloons loose for the triplets’ birthday every year. This picture was on their 7th birthday, and the first one we celebrated with Owen. Logan talks about the girls as if he knew them, but they were before him. He tells everyone, including the judge on adoption day, all about his baby sisters. He tells people he has three baby sisters, and that they are in their grave and with Jesus. I used to hate talking about my loss, it very uncomfortable at first. Now I really have no choice because it’s often the first thing Logan tells people! He calls them his baby sisters and loves them as if they were here.
Adoption is a process. There is so much uncertainty, so much waiting, worrying if the birthparents will change their mind, worrying you’re going to do things wrong. Adoption isn’t all beauty. It’s hard and it’s sad and it all starts with a loss. I thank his birth mother every day… even though we have never met, the bond we will share is so strong. Truth is, if it is meant to be, it will be. Our family is now complete.
As I watch my boys play together, I am overwhelmed with joy. Our life has been far from perfect. We’ve had a thousand dark and hopeless days. We’ve learned so much from our adoption journey. We’ve learned the power of forgiveness and love. And how grief and sorrow can shape you into better people. We’ve learned that true trust means stepping out of your comfort zone even when the calling you’ve received makes zero sense at the time. Adoption has told such an amazing story through our lives that I would need books to tell it all. But I have enjoyed very much telling you a little piece of our story.”
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Amy Davidson of Kentucky. Do you have an inspiring adoption story to share? We’d love to hear from you. Submit your story here, and subscribe to our best stories in our free newsletter here.
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