Disclaimer: This story contains mentions of child loss and may be triggering to some people.
“Our journey started in late April of 2020 when I had a dream that a psychic medium told me I was pregnant. I shook it off as just being a dream because I felt that I couldn’t have been pregnant. I still got a monthly period cycle as expected, but the dream was so vivid, and something was urging me to take a pregnancy test. I tried to ignore it, but when my fiance was at the grocery store picking up last-minute items before going into the first COVID-19 lockdown and isolation. I called him just before he got to the checkout and asked him to grab a pregnancy test– just in case. I told him about the dream and that I didn’t think I was pregnant but as a just in case. When he brought the test home, I put it in the cabinet and didn’t even plan on taking it.
Later that night, I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed and something in me was urging me to take the test. So, just to get this little voice in my head shut down, I decided to take the test. After a few minutes, I asked my partner to check the test results for me. Expecting him to say it was negative, he called out to me that there were two lines, and asked what that meant. I instantly felt shock, surprise, happiness, and disbelief all at the same time. While we were not trying to get pregnant, our new addition was more than welcomed and we fell in love with our little peanut at that very moment.
However, after the news of expecting our 3rd baby started to settle in, I started experiencing this feeling of impending doom. I instantly started crying. I told my fiance that I felt like something really bad was going to happen. I don’t know where this came from. I’d never had this feeling in all my life. He held me and promised me that nothing bad would happen.
My pregnancy was going very well. Even though I was experiencing extreme everyday nauseousness and all-day sickness the entire time, I still didn’t feel like it was real. I felt a spiritual connection to my baby, but I did not feel connected to the physical pregnancy at all. All the mommies in my Facebook December-due dates group were posting all of the cute baby items and clothing they had started buying for their babies. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything just yet. There was this little voice in my head– the same voice that told me I was pregnant when I had no clue. The voice told me that I wouldn’t be able to bring my baby home, and she would not be staying here. I shook it off and forced the thoughts away every time, and just wrote it off as an intrusive thought.
Once I reached my second trimester, all of my appointments went well; everything was great with the baby, and myself. I thought that I was just being paranoid. I pushed all those feelings in the back of my mind, and just wrote it off as I was being paranoid, and they were just bad dreams. I was feeling fine, everything was great, and I went to my anatomy scan appointment at about 21 weeks. During the scan, we did an overall check-up on the baby.
It was at that appointment, during the ultrasound that they saw that my cervix was funneling from the inside. The doctors referred me to a Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist. I was a little nervous, but I still didn’t think a lot of it because I also funneled with my previous child. Back then, I was placed on pelvic rest for a week or two, and everything resolved on its own. I expected the same thing to happen with this pregnancy.
When I went back to the specialist for another ultrasound to see the progress, and to see if it had resolved, they actually sent me straight to a labor and delivery appointment. The doctors said that I basically have no cervix left, and I was dilated a centimeter. They sent me to have an emergency, rescue cervical cerclage placed. At the appointment, the doctor started to talk about my next pregnancy. It was devastating when he started to say ‘well, next time your next pregnancy, you’ll just get a cerclage placed earlier to prevent the next pregnancy.’ I was really upset as to why he was writing off my pain and giving up on my baby. I had the rescue cerclage placed, and they said that hopefully, it would give a few more weeks– but that cerclage only lasted probably a little less than a week. I was able to go from 21 weeks to 22 weeks and 5 days. The whole labor and delivery experience were very traumatic. I was in the hospital for about 5 days. They were able to keep her in, but I coughed and my water broke. From there, it was there was no stopping the labor at all. I didn’t think that she would make it after delivery, but she did! The doctors said she had no problems whatsoever, other than her lungs were very immature and she needs to be intubated, of course. She was born at 22 weeks, 5 days. She was 12 inches long, and she weighed 1 lb and 6 oz.
She did surprisingly well. The doctors said she is doing great for a micro-preemie born at 22 weeks and 5 days. They said that most of the time, by that time they had micro preemies that have had multiple brain bleeds– if not at least one. They usually have some type of heart problem, but her heart was perfectly healthy. She was perfect. They said her scans came back excellent and normal; the only issue she had was her premature lungs, which we were expecting. We were just waiting for her to grow. I said all she needed was time to grow because babies’ lungs continue to develop, heal, and grow, in contrast to adults’ lungs.
She was doing excellent with her feedings; she had no feeding issues. One day, the doctors decided to move the tube from her stomach, and play and place it into her small intestines. They said that this was to avoid reflux, and I asked if she had reflux. They said no, they wanted to avoid the reflux so they put it there. so I asked why they didn’t let us know this, but they had already placed it there at that point. We had some issues with the hospital, and after stressing and begging them to listen to us, they decided to finally schedule a meeting with us to listen to our concerns. We had felt like something was wrong and we were just seeing things.
By the time the meeting was scheduled, we got a call in the morning. Before we could even get there, they told us that there had been an accident. They said that basically, they saw a leak when they went to change her feeding tube. They said that it is a sign of some sort of perforation, and she had what appeared to be air, or fluid in her abdominal cavity. They did have a surgeon go in, and he basically did confirm that the perforation was in her duodenum, which is in the small intestine. He could feel it, but he was hopeful that it would heal on its own and he decided to leave it.
He left her open to monitor her and look at her intestines, which looked great at the time but he wanted to monitor them over the weekend before he closed her back up. Unfortunately, her intestines started to die the next day– and rapidly. There was nothing anyone could do, from what they told us. We lost her on October 10th, at 10 p.m. That was very difficult for us– for me, and my family. We are still struggling with the loss. The only thing that has kept me is my beliefs, spirituality, and the signs that we received. I was driving in my car a few days after she passed, and I heard a small child from the back seat where my twenty-one-month-old was sleeping, in the third row, behind her car seat. I heard a voice of a little girl say ‘mommy’ very clearly– this felt so real and intense I had to pull over.
At one point, I couldn’t look at anything and none of her belongings. I would just break down in tears. It was difficult to wake up in the morning. Going to sleep was impossible; it was very hard until I started to see things and signs. These honestly might sound crazy to some, but they have let us know that she was still around us and that she is still here with us. I started to get closer spiritually to the things and forces that I believe in. I felt like I believed before, but now I feel like I really believe in something greater.
Again, things keep happening around the house that can’t be explained. I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner at home, and I had a knife sitting on the edge of the sink. I hear metal tapping and look over, and the knife is wiggling on the edge of the sink– like someone was tapping on it. I just started to speak to her and say I love her, because I felt that was her, honestly in my heart. Later on, during dinner that evening, my family was over and an item from the other side of the room, where no one was sitting fell from the shelf and rammed into the side of the couch. My niece, family, and my mother looked in shock, and they were scared. I just told them this happens all the time lately, and I just let them know I just speak to my daughter whenever this happens.
Also, in my bedroom; I was in another part of the house, and from all the way, in the back of my bedroom I heard a loud noise crashing down. It sounded like things just started falling everywhere, and I was terrified. My fiance happened to be coming in from the front door, returning from work. I asked him if he could please go see what that was. I truly heard a whole bunch of things starting to fall from the bedroom. We went to the bedroom. Nothing was out of place. I know I wasn’t going crazy because my sister was on video chat with me, and she heard the noise as well. I haven’t been afraid of anything that has been happening, but for a second there and I got scared! There have been so many things that have happened spiritually, and it has brought me so much comfort.
I dream of her, and in my dream, she tells me she’s going to be okay. I’ve had dreams of my grandmother who passed telling me it’s going to be okay–everything’s going to be okay and that she’s fine. I honestly feel like our loved ones who have passed on are a lot closer to us than we believe. I feel like this tragedy happening brought so much comfort to me. Now I see that the other side and heaven are real. In my eyes, our loved ones and our family are always there, right there beside us. Eventually and in the end, we will all be together, and I have comfort in that. I know people say things happen for a reason. I don’t know what the reason for my baby’s passing and the way it happened is yet. But from what I’ve been spiritually experiencing, seeing, and witnessing, I know I have faith in God now.
Our perfect little angel baby Nola-Reign Meili… Mommy and Daddy love you for eternity. We’re so sad that you had to go and life will never be the same for us. We don’t know why you had to go so soon but we know 100% for a fact, we all will be together again. We wish we could have held you longer and kissed you 100 more times.’
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…It is the price of love.
This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Jody Kee. You can follow their journey on Instagram and YouTube. Please donate to the family’s GoFundMe to help seek justice for baby Nola. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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