“I had been praying for a baby for over ten years. Ten. I married a man who had a vasectomy and then we paid an absurd amount of money to get it reversed. He already had two kids by the time he was 18. When we got it reversed he was 28. Chances were slim. I was prepared to use donor semen, adopt, or even do foster-to-adopt.
Often I tried to read God’s mind and force it to happen the way I thought he wanted us to have a family. We did foster three wonderful babies for 6 months and then they were ripped away from our arms. We had seen countless fertility doctors and were saving for IVF. My husband, however, kept saying ‘wait.’ I thought it just because he didn’t want to spend the thousands of dollars in expenses.
Often I’d let go of the dream of my own motherhood and concentrate on something else pressing, but my heart longed for a child to call me mommy.
When I was 30 years old, I was late on my period, which wasn’t abnormal. I took a pregnancy test, which was normal. The control line was dark pink as usual, but what was that other thin, faint pink line? Yes! It was positive! I couldn’t believe it! I ran outside to my husband in the cold, half naked waving around a little stick on the day before Valentine’s day 2017. We were with child.
We were overjoyed! We paid extra to find out the sex of our baby at 12 weeks. A girl. My heart was full. Brylee Koleen, she would have the same initials as my sweet husband.
Several weeks went by and everything was perfect. We went every other week to the OB because I was considered more high risk because of a previous blood clot. I was on blood thinners to prevent any clots.
I felt her move within me and cherished every flip within me. I praised God on my knees for the most amazing blessing I had ever received.
At 19 weeks, we went into the OB and when he put the ultrasound on my belly, I saw my baby on the screen, but she wasn’t moving. I looked in the center of her chest and I couldn’t see her heart beating as I had become accustomed to seeing. I said, ‘Doc, I don’t see her heartbeat.’ The doctor just replied, ‘I’m so sorry.’
I spent the next 3 days trying to have her naturally before I developed a uterine infection and had to be transferred to another hospital for an emergency D&E. Which, if you aren’t familiar with, is an abortive procedure where they take your baby out in pieces. I was so angry to say the least. I screamed. I cried. I blamed God. How could He do this to me? I had waited long enough. I had wished He would have taken me with my baby Brylee.
The team who took Brylee out, were able to get her out in mostly one piece since I had been in labor so long. I got to hold my sweet baby girl for the first and last time.
We were devastated. My husband was my rock. He reminded me that God’s will is different than our own and we needed to thank Him for even allowing us to get pregnant. However, while he was being strong for me, my husband was secretly falling apart as well.
2 months after Brylee died, someone approached us about a woman in the community who was pregnant looking for an adoptive family for her baby. At first I was hesitant, but after some consideration, I thought that maybe God took our baby to love so we could love this baby whose mother couldn’t love it.
My husband was initially against it, but eventually he conceded. I told him it had to be God!
Everything was a go to adopt the baby. We had met with the lawyers and we had befriended the mother. She loved us. We became good friends.
In August, just 3 months after losing Brylee, my husband became extremely depressed. I thought it was because he never mourned our baby girl properly. I tried to help him like he helped me. He was mad at God. He yelled at Him one night and even shook his fist in the air at God blaming him for Brylee’s death.
About a week after that, Bryan admitted to me he had been having an affair for the past month. I was destroyed. I truly believed I had the most wonderful, the most sound marriage of anyone I knew.
Not only had he been having an affair, but he ‘loved’ this other woman and didn’t think he and I should stay together. I immediately sought out our pastor and his wife. With their wisdom, and strength from the Holy Spirit, I was able to hold myself together.
It took several days of hard prayer, but he agreed to not see this other woman while we went through some counseling.
Bryan said he did not want any more children and that wasn’t fair to me, and that is one of the reasons he wanted to leave. I had to tell the mother of the baby we were going to adopt that we were no longer in a position to adopt her sweet baby. She was devastated.
We spent a lot of time in counseling and trying to reconcile. I had a lot of depression from all the trauma in the last 4 months. I prayed constantly. I had never felt closer to my savior. It’s crazy how sometimes in the dark, at rock bottom, is the only way we know our Savior so well. I felt like Jonah in the whale’s belly.
I prayed for reconciliation. I prayed for forgetfulness. I prayed for the enemy to keep his hands off my family. I prayed for my heart or my husband’s to change about having children. I prayed God would tell my little girl about me and the love I will always have for her.
We decided to get away together and try to remember why were together. We vacationed in the Dominican in December 2017. The last night at dinner, Bryan said he was ready to try again.
Just 2 weeks after getting home, I found out the night my husband told me he was ready to try again, I was 2 days pregnant. God.Is.Good.
Although we were nervous the entire pregnancy, I’m happy announce we had our rainbow baby girl in August 2018. Tessa Brylee.
I also have a rainbow marriage. A marriage that weathered the storm determined to rip us apart, and we have come out of it just as good if not better than before.
God comes through on his time, every time. In all things, he is good yesterday, today, and tomorrow.”
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